Memoirs …. Memories …..

My father is turning 80 this year and has spent the better part of the last few months writing his memoirs. He’s talked about his marriage, his kids, his grandkids, his career (40+ years as a transportation engineer for the same company), growing up, going to college, being in the service. All of it. It’s all been kind of fun to read and listen to him talk about. I’ve learned a lot about him, I’ve pushed him to write more than I think he had originally planned. I admit I wish he put more of himself in there. Not “I had a kid in 1979, she was a girl.” As an Engineer he’s a facts guy. Facts are good but what did you think about these facts. Were you terrified to have a daughter. Is there anything you wish you had done differently? How was it going from a son to a daughter? What was it like the first time you saw mom ? How did you decide that you wanted to marry her? Did you buy the ring on your own? Had you all talked about it .. did you know she would say yes? … you know stuff like that.  There’s also things in the book that I’m not sure belong, but it’s his book and if he wants to list every camera he’s ever owned who am I to tell him differently. However, as he has gone through this process it has made me think that not only, do I not have enough to write my memoirs, even if I did I don’t have anyone that would be interested in reading them.

I mean I just turned 45 so maybe there is time for me to develop those core memories, but I feel like there’s not much to what I have going on. I mean I was born in the late 70s, grew up in the 80’s and 90’s, was an adult for the 2000’s but it was all pretty … basic. Nothing too earth shattering. I played with awesome toys, listened to even better music, watched some good TV shows (some that are still on the air today in either reruns or on streaming services). I am part of that generation who remembers life before our phones and the internet took over and yet also remember when all those things took over and the pros and cons of both. I remember the birth of social media and dropping one for the next “fad” many times over. I remember when it actually used to be social and not what it is today. I remember seeing the NKOTB in concert several times and admit it cracks me up that they are still making music, still touring. I have also been blessed over my 45 years in seeing a lot of really great bands, in a variety of venues, but many in my generation can say something similar. I remember being obsessed with MTV and would watch for hours waiting on my favorites to show up. I think that’s why my musical tastes are so varied cause for a while they played just about every genre under the sun. It didn’t matter the label behind the band or what they were selling at that moment. If they had a video it was played and a jazz number would follow a pop hit, which was followed by rap, and then an alternative band, followed by a county artist, then R&B…. rinse and repeat all day and all night long with some news scattered around for flavor. I also credit limewire, Napster, and other file download sites for opening up my musical world with a click or two of a button and hours of watching a blue bar praying the internet would hold long enough to download the whole thing only to have to reset it cause it didn’t. Then the sadness of clicking on the file and it not being what you downloaded in the first place. The mixtapes after these services were so much better than they were before. I do admit not being able to rush to a store and get a CD and the fun of listening to said CD on the way home from the store is something that I really miss.

I was in the generation that hoarded VHS, then DVDs and still have them all cause like I don’t want to just toss them. Ironically my first VHS was ET gifted to me by my Grandmother who bought all the grandkids the movie for Christmas one year. I also had a Blockbuster card and a card for Movie Gallery and often visited both in an effort to find the movie I wanted. I remember my brother renting Thriller so many times my mom banned him from getting it for like 6 months. When they started having games my trips became far more frequent. The birth of gaming consoles really altered my life and robbed me of hours of time and money but also gave me so much joy I am an ATARI fan for life and am lucky I started with such a “simple” system. Over the years we had many consoles including Nintendo NES, Sega, Gameboy, X-box, X-box one, Nintendo Switch, and others I’m sure I’m forgetting long before I started being obsessed with playing games on my phone. Oh and computer games … I remember when we got our first home computer and logging into Prodigy and message boards and having a great time until someone needed to make a phone call.

I also played a crapton of sports, until my knee decided to stop being a knee my Senior year of high school. I played baseball, softball, soccer, basketball, tennis, volleyball, gymnastics, ballet all of which took a toll on my body after years of play. I also went away to college, living in the dorm all 4 years and in an apartment one summer when I needed to play catch up in order to graduate on time.  I remember playing intermural sports trying to stay in the game until my knee was like hey I thought we were done with this! And my knee was right we were. I still play sometimes but it takes a few days to recover and it just isn’t as wroth it to me now. I do miss those days.

I remember vividly the death of John Paul II … or JP Dos as Golden calls him. I am not Catholic but for that week or so we all kind of were. Waiting on smoke to come out of a chimney seeing the outpouring of love for a man who just wanted to do good things while he was here. He’s the first Pope I really remember paying attention to … and also I guess the last. I hope he is finally resting knowing he did good while he was here.

I also lived through some pretty large events in my lifetime … including the Challenger explosion which left a group of elementary school kids very confused. I remember having 9 planets and don’t care what anyone says Pluto is still on my poster so he’s a planet (sorry Golden). I remember seeing all the animals covered in oil after the Exxon Valdez Oil Spill on TV and thinking what a waste of resources just cause a ship wasn’t up to code (if memory serves me correctly). I recall little Baby Jessica falling into the well and mom and I staying up wayyy to late om a school night to finally see her emerge out of the well, again on TV, and be rushed off to the hospital and never really heard from again except on yearly checkups. I remember the LA Riots and how they pretty much let LA burn and the looting, oh so much looting. As a kid I thought you are just destroying your own stuff… what are you accomplishing here. Speaking of LA I remember that horrific earthquake where sections of interstates collapsed on cars and people and being glad that Earthquakes were not a thing here in the South. I remember when the wall came down in Berlin, but didn’t honestly understand what it meant or frankly why there was a wall to begin with. I remember the Gulf War but mostly cause the guy across the street went and we’d be checking on him. I remember Afghanistan and thinking well here we go again … knowing we hadn’t really finished the first one. I remember the day Bin Laden was shot in the eye which still makes me chuckle. They had a full on 6 foot man and chose to shoot him in the eye. Good on them. Sad for the fishes that used him for food and have wondered many times if they too became evil cause you are, after all, what you eat.  That is the Spongebob episode I wanna see.

The event that affected me the most was the Oklahoma Bombing cause it just really seemed so unnecessary. My best friend actually ran away from home that day (for reals) and I was home sick and watched CNN like a crazy person until my mom took away my TV a few days later. Physically removed it from the wall so I couldn’t turn it back on. My bother wasn’t a fan. I remember sitting on our porch crying cause there were all these families in Oklahoma missing families and my friend just bolted cause her mom was “mean to her.” (she eventually came home but after spending the weekend at a family member’s house to “cool off”). I remember sitting on our porch crying with my mom that night and so many nights later for people I never knew but felt awful that they were gone in such a violent way. I also remember watching the trial and calling my mom and crying to her again on the day they put McVey to death and recall thinking how he just destroyed so many lives and at the end of the day still got to be in control of his fate. It just seemed so unfair. That being said I am glad he’s gone. I remember the OJ trial and the verdict and the feelings that it all evoked and the first time I ever felt well I guess the justice system is just a waste of time. The 2^nd time I felt that way was after the Oklahoma Bombing.

After the Oklahoma Bombing I started being more weary about being in public and what others around me were doing … or not doing. It was a stressful time, but like all things eventually I moved on cause I had to. I was just a little wiser. Then school shootings one after another after another which then turned into parks, theaters, malls, airplanes, sport venues, and left me feeling like there were no safe spaces on this planet anymore. I recall kids jumping out of windows to escape Columbine … I remember wondering how bad was it going to get before we did anything to try and make it better. I’m sad that we still haven’t reached whatever imaginary goal we have to get to for something to change. I was glad to be out of high school cause I really don’t think I could have continued to attend classes. I was nearly finished with college and had the freedom to just leave class or skip all together when I needed to. I kept in close contact with my professors and stayed on top of my assignments, so they were really awesome about working with me. I really got to the point where I hated to leave my house, hated to leave the places that I felt safe cause the truth was I wasn’t safe anywhere and that was not a good feeling. Panic attacks are just the worst.

Being in the south hurricanes have played a large part in shaping me over the years. I remember being told as a baby that I slept through Frederick which devastated where I live. I was almost one when it hit. I remember us packing up and leaving the house on numerous occasions not sure what we’d come home too and each time we’d come home clean up and move on. When dad bought our house, he bought it on a huge hill. I remember once being worried about flooding and he took me into the yard and said if we flood water is the least of our problems. I rested easier after that, and storms didn’t scare me as much anymore even when we were packing up to run from one. I remember the devastation left by Katrina and watching the coast of MS get wiped right off the map while the focus remained on New Orleans. A story that never would have happened had the levees held. However that’s how events like that happen .  . . . one thing fails and it leads to a bigger story.

I have lived through many presidents (Carter, Reagan, Daddy Bush, Clinton, Son Bush, Obama, Trump and currently Biden to be specific). I can’t recall any of them filling me with the passion to really get behind a president. I guess the Clinton administration is the first one that I got to Vote for, but I can’t recall if I voted for him or not. I used to enjoy politics the back and forth, the discourse around what was best for the country not just for that election. I’m currently sad to where we are right now and very disenchanted with the entire process if I’m being honest. The president I remember the most is Carter but I think that’s cause he’s from Georgia and I have enjoyed watching him do all his work for the Habitat for Humanity. I like that after leaving office he still did good things and I guess the others are too I just don’t hear about it as much. I remember people talking about the Royal Wedding between Charles and Diana … I didn’t get up for it but remember my mom and her friend watching it before we were taken to school. I do however visibly remember the death and funeral of Diana all those years later and how sad it seemed. I remember the death of Queen Elizabeth and the spectacle that resulted from her death. She was a very interesting lady and seemed to really care about the country. All the words said about her seemed hollow to me … not enough to capture what a remarkable life she had led but after so many years I guess what more was there to say.

I was part of the Harry Potter generation that was able to experience the books before the movies and am grateful for that. I credit Golden for that. She read the Sorcerer’s Stone and talked about it so much that I read her copy and then her copy of the Chamber of Secrets which irritated me to no end. I felt like I had just read the same book twice. However, the Prisoner of Azkaban was to come out in like the next week or so and I was hooked after that one. I’m confident had I waited more than say 2 months I wouldn’t have read anymore of the series. I’m glad I did. I’m glad I got to watch the movies too, but there’s just something special and magical about that series that the movies just can’t give you, especially on that first read through not knowing what to expect.

I graduated from College not too long after 911 and remember how for a brief moment the country came together as one united and focused on a single goal. It was a brief moment, then we all went back to what we do. I only remember having that feeling one other time and it was right as Covid was hitting and we were all doing our best to help each other out and listening to people and united with the Government that many of us didn’t pick or agree on but listened and for another brief moment did what they asked. It’s true we can come together but I’m sad we don’t do it often.

Finding a job after the uncertainty around 911 made life difficult but I tempted some and finally found a place that feels stable and secure. I’ve been there 21 years this September and while there is a lot about the place at the moment that feels me with dead and sadness there were many good times, and the times now are good on paper but I fear that is all it is. The good outweights the bad … right … sure it does … let’s not go down this rabbit hole right now.

I’m not in a good place mentally but after reading this post again it’s been an interesting life but it mostly been things I’ve witnessed not really lived. I have no children of my own but feel like my nephews are as good as mine. I have been lucky enough to always have a roof over my head, food in the pantry, a decent car to drive, a warm bed to return to every night and so I really have very little to complain about. My parents are both still alive and doing ok heath wise. They are still together a feat not many of my friends can say about their own. I have a good job that pays me well, I should use my PTO more often for fun than doctor appointments but I’m working on that. I often feel I’m wasting my time at said job but see the sentence about it being a good job that pays me well so what do I really have to complain about ? I’m on the downhill side granted I’m still towards the top of that hill but I am no longer climbing. I guess what I’m saying is life could be way worse and I need to suck it up and get on with it. Maybe spend the next 40 years living the things that will create my memories that can one day fill a memoirs that someone might want to read one day.

 

Heck I can’t even get people to read a blog so what do I know.

Marcy (@beaslma)