It is the beginning of February March, I haven’t posted since
Christmas time. I would say I’ve been off having fun and tell you all about it,
but honestly I haven’t been. January felt like it was never going to end but it
did include a massive snow storm, which is something my area of the planet
doesn’t get often so that was fun. It was pretty watching it come down but I
admit I didn’t really get out in it. I was working. I did take breaks to take
pictures or video every few hours then would get back to the task at hand. It
literally snowed for over 8 hours straight. We have heard we got between 6-10
inches of snow, depending on which report you want to go with. I guess now that
I have the ability to work from home weather days are no longer a thing. I guess technically I could have
used PTO, lord knows I have enough of it, but I had a submittal due in the
middle of that storm which turned into a “digital” submission. They were quick
to add that we would need to submit hard copies the following week, which we
did, tho I question as to why that was necessary. We’ll see if it was worth it.
While dealing with the snow and ice that followed, the other side of the country was literally on fire. Like for weeks it was all anyone talked about, all that was on the TV and then suddenly it wasn’t. That’s starting to feel a little discombobulating as it keeps happening over and over. A MASSIVE Story that everyone is supposed to stop and pay attention to then boom it’s just gone and we all move on except for those dealing with the aftermath. There have also been lots of plane crashes, and other insanity that I won’t go into cause it’s frankly depressing and I think I’m nearing the verge of a nervous breakdown so to rehash it all seems like it’s counter productive at this point. Case in point I started writing this in February, it’s now early March and I’m still working on it.
At the start of February my Dad’s older brother died just shy of his 90th birthday. So last week we had to drive up for the funeral. I went for my Dad, I had recently seen his brother and while it was a good visit I can’t recall the last time I saw him (before that I mean). We were on our way back from visiting Olia for the first time (my new great niece) or I likely wouldn’t have gone that time either.
Not too long after I got home from that trip I got a text message from a dear friend of mine who had been in the hospital for over a month and she was finally home. It was quite a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve talked to her several times since and I really hope this time around she’s found the right combination of medicine and resolve that her time here is not over to finally find her place in this world.
Then a few days later my mom’s sister passed away. That’s always been a very complicated relationship between them. My aunt made some choices throughout her life that weren’t always in her best interest and the last few years she’s just kind of retreated from everyone would reach out when she was sick or needed something but more or less stayed away. I think in my mom’s head she was already gone. She never really processed the death but she is doing ok. She kept saying she feels like she should be sadder or going through specific emotions that she wasn’t feeling. The funeral was more of a viewing and clear on the other side of the state. We found out about it the night before and it was to be held the next morning. So mom and her remaining sisters decided to have lunch instead and they seemed to enjoy themselves. I hope they did. They all used to be so close.
Oh and we got us a new president in the middle of all of this. Every single day has been … an adventure. I have had people that I know that voted for him to look at me and say I didn’t realize it was going to be like this to which I replied what the actual hell did you think was going to be happening ? Or those that voted for him who are trying to convince me now that he’s doing what this country needs and I’ve completely lost my fight. Things that I used to be passionate about I’m just not anymore. I’d call it picking my battles but in reality, there are battles that I’m just not willing to fight anymore cause they honestly don’t matter. Things at work that used to bother me I can’t get geared up for it anymore. Go after that submittal or don’t I don’t care. Help with the submittal or don’t we just won’t get the job. That should bother me but I’m not the one losing out on the work they are. I’ve said for decades that I’m not going to care more about these than they are and I guess I’ve finally really hit that limit. I got a promotion recently and while I know I’ve earned it I can’t help but feel it’s just for show. I’m struggling with that cause while I feel like it’s a promotion like the last one nothing has really changed so it feels like I am just going through the motions.
I can’t tell you the last time I talked with Golden. I finally texted her the other day after realizing it had been weeks/months since we really talked only to find out that she’s very sick with I guess some version of the flu with her lack of immune system it’s not easy to determine really. They will get her well, patch her up and send her back into the world until it happens next time. I don’t like to complain to much about what I have going on cause there better be a throne waiting for her with her name on it for all the crap she's had to deal with in her short little life. In a few months she and I will be attending a concert in Atlanta and then Dragon Con a few months later. Gotta get my badge for that and a hotel.
I’m still actively or passively looking for a therapist cause I know something isn’t right. Be it a chemical imbalance, a diet thing, or what I just know something is off. I am sleeping in like 2-3 hour shifts and when I’m sleeping it’s not “good” sleep it’s filled with stress dreams or I wake up so achy from being so tense it’s like I have forgotten how to relax. It’s very exhausting but I think I’m also getting used to being exhausted. I also realize this is not a good thing just a thing I’ve got going on. Apparently in order for me to find a therapist I have to call a 1-800 number from my insurance company and discuss what’s going on before they will give me a list of approved therapist for me to call and then I have to then explain to them what’s going on and it just all seems unnecessary. I have made the call once but no one called back (however it was during the holidays so I guess I fell through the cracks) and I haven’t taken the time since to do it again. I had an appointment with someone only to learn they don’t take my insurance and while I could go talk to her (who came highly recommended) but knew in the long run I wasn’t going to want to pay her so I’d just have to start over. I think my brain convinced myself that maybe this was someone or something telling me that I didn’t need to talk with anyone but my brain and I aren’t really talking at the moment so who knows what’s really going on. I just know I’m tired.
I did spend last weekend with my new great niece (whom I just call my niece now) Olia who is just as cute and lovely in person as she is in pictures. I love that little girl so much and I can’t wait to watch her grow up and give my nephew a run for his money. As I held her last weekend I told her that her Aunt Marcy loved her and she lifted her head up (post pandemic babies are built differently) looked me in the eye then dropped her head back to my shoulder. Like she wanted to see whoever had said that. Then she snuggled into me and made this little noise that I took as “cool I like you too!” There’s talk that they will be moving back this way upon graduation in May and I am very excited about it. Like with her dad I look forward to being a part of her everyday world like I was for him.
Lent is once again upon us. I have thought a lot about what to “give
up” or “add” to my life. I have settled on SODA all kinds. So from here on out
it’s water, tea, juice, or Koolaid. I was also going to give up social media again
but that’s not going to be a hardship cause I haven’t really been using it
lately. I’m going to keep it open cause that’s how I talk with my nephews and
nieces and Golden. I should give up games on my phone as I’ve gotten really
dumb with those lately, but damn a girl needs a vice and so I’m keeping those. So
on this Fat Tuesday I’m here to tell you that I’m still here, we are still
updating this blog, even if no one is reading, and I’m going to drink another
coke cause come Midnight I’m done with soda until Easter…… please pray for my
coworkers….I was going to take away fried food too but someone reminded me that
Lent is not about making myself a monster but about reflection and sacrifice.
So maybe I’ll use these next 40 days to focus on positive things in my life to
try and turn things around.
Wish me luck!
Marcy
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