Avoidance is not the answer

So in a few weeks I’m going to be ….. 40 …… it’s not a huge deal to me but the people around me have made it a HUGE deal and I’m not sure what to do about it. When people at work find out it’s “the big 4-0” their eyes glaze over and they get this huge grin on their face like they have this huge secret that they can’t wait to share. 

Why is 40 a big deal? Then again why was 10…21….30…. etc…. I mean let’s face it the last good birthday was my 16^th when I got my license. Well let’s be honest that one wasn’t the greatest …. my mom and I sat at the DMV all day long waiting on them to call my name. It was raining that morning so we were on the list but they wouldn’t let us take the drivers test in the rain. The rain was supposed to let up so we stayed. Then lunchtime came and they gave us a card so we’d be number 1 after their lunch break. We went to a nearby Pizza Hut for lunch (buffet if I recall) then rushed back to the DMV. It was sunny and beautiful during the lunch break and they were getting ready to start calling names (mine was to be first) when it started flooding again. I nearly burst into tears. Around 4 they told us it was too late and we’d have to come back the next day. I was devastated but the next day we came back and I was back at school by 11 with a new temporary license in my pocket. That’s the last birthday that really stood out to me. There was another while I was in college that I remember as well. My aunt threw a surprise party for me inviting my friends to her house. She had invited me for dinner and I really really didn’t feel like going. I believe Golden talked me into it and so I went. I ended up having a good time. My grandmother was there a few other aunts and some friends from school including Golden.

I do that a lot …. make plans….dread those plans ….. then finally drag my arse out of the house and really enjoy my time there. I’m really bad about that, or I end up talking myself out of something that could have been fun and then regret not going. I’m working on it I really am …. but I still suck at it.

It’s just easier not to and often by the end of the day I’m just spent and on the weekends I’m lazy. There was a ton of things I thought I’d get to this weekend laundry, cleaning, cleaning my car, fixing up some new music flash drives for my car. Know how many of those things I accomplished ……. NADA. I felt awful on Friday so I went to bed early (was asleep by 9), woke up late on Saturday, helped my mom wrap her legs, then we spent literally the entire afternoon making chicken gumbo which was fun and totally delicious but yeah that was my Saturday. Then Sunday came and I woke up, went to church, wen to lunch, came home and looked up and it was 4pm … like wait what just happened. So any plans I might have had were blown out of the water. Granted if I were better with my time I could do it but what’s the fun in that. 

Last Wednesday Vanessa Peters was playing at the Listening Room of Mobile, a great little place that is 100% devoted to music. If someone is in there and their phone rings or they are laughing and talking with their group not listening to the music then the owner helps them find the door. I’d go to the Listening Room way more often but the shows don’t start until 8pm --- usually closer to 8:30. I only make it down there when it’s something I really really want to see and this was Vanessa’s second visit. I knew when she was coming that I was definitely going but even then part of me wanted to bail. I didn’t tho and that’s a start. I hope to visit the Listening Room more often cause it really is a fantastic place to listen to music, even if their chairs suck! ha! 

I guess in the coming year I want to be more spontaneous taking advantage of the things that come my way when they come so I can enjoy them. Like my birthday I guess it could suck more to have people not be interested in my birthday or to take the time to celebrate me … I just don’t like being the center of attention. I’m more a blend into the wall kind of girl and it’s hard to do if everyone is looking in my direction.

What kind of things do you guys avoid even if you really want to do it ?

Marcy 

@beaslma

Happy New Year

Happy New Year …. Some 12 days into the new year but yeah you haven’t told me happy new year yet either so suck it! In prep for this post I looked back at the previous year and you know what …. We didn’t do half bad …. We didn’t do great mind you, I’m not at all saying I deserve a pat on my back or anything but we had 8 various posts spread out through 6 different months and to me that’s pretty darn good. Hey I was an average student who was damn proud of a C, an A or B was better of course but I could live with a C. In the real world no one cares if you got C’s ….. a friend recently told me "D stands for Diploma" and I thought well not really but maybe .... ha …. just saying.

Last year I shared some original writing, did a few music posts about Eric Erdman and The Springs, shared my Social MediaBreak during lent, and my transition to a new phone - UPDPATE: I did go with the S9+ and LOVE it. So when I say it was a variety of topics I’m not joking. My problem with this blog is that I often think ohhhh I should write about my frustrations with never getting to go to a movie in a theater and why it never seems to happen and how I hope that it will happen more then something horrific happens in the world and I think well that just seems assy now. I want to be a lot of things when I grow up but assy isn’t one of them. So then I delete the word document and move on with my day. I used to keep them thinking I’d post it later but then later never came or when I went back to read it the post seemed silly and unnecessary cause I was no longer in that frame of mind. 

Last year was fun I went to our corporate office for a “retreat” in Franklin, TN (got to take one of my coworkers on her first flight which was really fun), went to DragonCon with Golden, saw several concerts with my friend Katie including Def Leppard and Journey in New Orleans, and capped off the year with Christina in Disney for Halloween. Now that I look back at this blog … kind of should have shared more of those events with you guys. This year I have a concert with Vanessa Peters to look forward to (later this month), Kiss in Birmingham with Katie, Christina and I are trying to get a trip to AU pulled together, and of course Dragon Con with Golden. Did I mention that Golden and I will be in a host hotel for the first time and not just any host hotel but the mother of all host hotels … THE MARRIOT !!!!! I am so excited about this turn of events. There is also talk of sending me to a conference in March in Ashville NC but no confirmation on that from the powers that be. Hopefully I'll get off my duff and make those blog worthy cause they totes should be. 

This past year I’ve also hesitated to write anything for fear that someone might read it (AKA family) and get their feelings hurt. I have since realized that I can’t let that hold me back. My mother almost died twice this year, and while no one in my family reads this thing (that I know of) I’d have hated one of them reading about some of our struggles and in particular my frustrations throughout it since it wasn’t that we weren’t really telling people about it but at first we didn’t know what to say. Here’s the story ……. she was sick and instead of making her go to a doctor we let her “handle it her way” until her way wasn’t working anymore. I finally forced the issue and called 911 myself and if I hadn’t she would have bled to death within the next 12-24 hours. She had a bleeding ulcer that was trying to perforate. She sat in the ER all night long and well into the next day getting blood, losing blood and waiting for someone to decide they were going to do something. At the same time my father was on the other side of the hospital getting his pacemaker replaced. Thank god for my brother, he was able to sit with mom while I was with my dad and that was the longest 12-24 hours of my life. Once dad was done we checked him out, drove him around the hospital (he wanted to see my mom), he went back into the ER (by himself cause they wouldn’t let us go with him – one at a time they said) while my brother and I hung out After leaving the ER at midnight and being back at the hospital at 5 I was in zombie mode as the adrenalin was wearing off. Then he took my dad home (later I discovered dad had him replace a toilet and I was livid) and I went to sit with my mom who kept telling me to go home and rest. She finally had surgery that afternoon around 4. They “fixed it” but the doctor said she almost died on the table twice and he was shaking when he said it which did not fill me with warm fuzzys. A week later she was home. Two weeks after that we were back in the ER and this time they had to slice open her stomache from side to side when they weren’t able to clamp and artery. That one we really almost lost her. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks and in rehab for 2 more weeks. She is now home and getting stronger every day but it was a tough 2-3 months for sure. She claims if she sees blood again she’s not saying anything cause that ordeal took a lot out of her. I hope that’s all talk but I also am checking her more often now because of it. I feel like I’m in three lives right now. My work life, my home life, and my by myself life. If I’m not working or taking care of mom I’m in my room watching you tube trying to get myself tired enough to sleep. I’m not sleeping well. I’m averaging about 4-5 hours a night but it’s interrupted sleep so I’d say I’m getting less than that. I’m still moving however so that’s something I’m proud of. My father has been a ROCK throughout this entire ordeal, who would have thought it. He has the bed side manner of say Peter Griffin. He means well but often he’s just in the way but this time I think he’s proving the definition of for better or for worse. God love them they are a cute little couple. Dad’s running himself half ragged too but he’s also pushing himself harder than I’d like. I keep telling him to take some time for himself but I really think he’s “fixing mom” which is replacing some of the guilt he has from “not being able to fix his mom” when he was working and had two kids and Alzheimer’s is a **tch even if he doesn’t believe she had it. She totes did but i'm not gonna argue with him about it just now.

So this is a post to say Happy New Year and a post to keep this blog alive and to try and get my voice back on this thing. I really do enjoy using this blog to share my thoughts and gives with the world I just need to make it more of a priority. I'm nearly 40 (in like 15 days) so that's going to fun to share as well. It's a new decade for me … let's make it a good one. 

Marcy

@beaslma