Skull Fucked

So... for awhile now I've been told by my many doctors that I need eye surgery. My vision is pretty good, it's not that kind of surgery. See… I have the privilege of being a Medical Marvel and a by product of that is that my body has a major case of the stupids. My body over produces antibodies and the antibodies get totes bored and decide to go wild like a whore at her first college frat party.

The antibodies attack my body, my joints, skin, organs, hair, pretty much anything is free game. A couple of years ago I had to have my thyroid removed because the antibodies had aggravated it so badly it had grown into the side of my face. I'm proud to say that my thyroid was the record holder for the biggest they ever had at that hospital. Bitches still didn't give me a trophy. The minor surgery went badly fast and ended up being way more invasive than planned.

Since that surgery was such a success the attention quickly changed to my eyes. The antibodies have attacked my eyes so much that there is now extra inflammation and tissue behind my eyes and it's causing my eyes to bulge out as if they are trying to escape my face. Even though the doctors were super dismissive about the surgery, flapping their hands about saying that it's just a little surgery, I was having no part of it.

As George W. said "Fool me once (with a "small surgery") shame on..me.. shame..you, fool me twice, well I can't get fooled again."

However every time I would go to appointments they would address the eye surgery issue again. I'm sure you realize that I am a full grown adult, but I can get real fucking childish when the need arises. No matter how many times the doctors would bring it up, I would act a donkey and refuse to discuss it. After some time had passed one of my favorite doctors on my team, that’s right I have a TEAM of doctors, brought it up and basically said that it would be pretty fucking stupid to not talk to a surgeon and at least gather the information for my records, just for future reference. He was even brave enough to tell me I was being pretty damn dramatic for such a small surgery.

Well I'm many things but not stupid or ill prepared is not one of them. So I allowed them to schedule an appointment with the surgeon, because I mean come on “It's just a little surgery!” The day of the appointment came and I took my mother with me in order to help me digest the information. I had been marinating on the situation and had one really important question that I really needed the answer to. I go through all these insane tests to see how badly my vision had become and then finally get to see the “holy savior of eye balls.”

The surgeon came in and was pleasant but not overly nice, just how I like them. After introductions had been made and she got all up in my face space to personally measure my eyes, she sat back and asked "Before we get into the details are there any initial questions?" Rookie mistake.

I had just one but it was very important. I've never known anybody to have this done and the doctors wouldn't give me any details (it's their fault, however my behavior may have led to their lack of details), but I imagine that they have to do both eyes at the same time so that they are aimed the same way. Right? I don't want it like a cheapo fucked up tit job where you got one titty aimed nipple up and one aimed nipple left and I walk the rest of my days as the cockeyed lonely wanderer. . . . SILENCE. . . .  

 

The surgeon looked at me and then back at my mom. Mom met her gaze with a shoulder shrug and an eye roll that conveyed that I had been raised right but something had gone wrong along the way.

The holy savior of eye balls replied, "Lets start from the beginning. Your 1^st surgery will be on your weakest eye. We will break the occipital bone of your skull, remove that part of your skull, scrape the extra inflamed tissue from behind that eye and recess the eye back in your skull. Your 2^nd surgery will be two weeks later and we will go through the same skull breaking/removal process on the other eye. Your 3^rd surgery we will take and clip the skin at the corners of your eyes to reconstruct your eyelids. You should also know that this is only successful on two out of five people. And there is the slight risk that this can leave your vision worse than what it was when we started." I can’t make this stuff up.

 At this point many things happened at once, both at normal pace, but also at this weird slow motion pace. My mom slowly began gathering our items to leave as she braced for impact. I dropped and shook my head readying myself by taking a deep breath, I did not have time to go to jail today. Then the holy savior of eye balls did something real stupid, she made the assumption that I was about to cry and moved in closer to console me with touch. Bless her, she was right in my crosshairs, she had nowhere to go.

I looked up … "So 1^st of all this isn't some 'Little fucking surgery' that I keep hearing about it's not 'A' any-fucking-thing. It's THREE! THREE fucking surgeries that will take around 2-3 months to endure and recover from! How the fuck am I supposed to work, going about as patchy the fucking pirate?! Now, there are thee of us in this fucking room! You're telling me that if I grabbed two fuckers from the waiting room this surgery will only be a success on two out of fucking five of us! Fucking super! Excellent! So it'll be fucking fine because when I'm doomed to walk the earth with cockeyed tit up, tit left eye balls and I get snatched by traveling carnies who rape, kill, and drop my dead ass in a ditch it's fucking cool...Mom don't cry...it will be easy as hell to identify my dead body because I'll be the dead bitch with THE FUCKED UP OCCIPITAL BONE MISSING FROM MY SKULL! Just write it down mom! Write it the fuck down now so on my tombstone you know I want it to say ‘She Died Like She Lived Ballin' and Shot Callin'!"

Mom didn't miss a beat she kindly thanked the holy savior of eye balls for her time and began putting on her coat. The surgeon meekly squeaked that there was good news. That at this point my vision should be diminishing and I should be losing the capacity to differentiate between colors, but that all my test results showed that my vision was really good. She suggested that since it appeared I needed time to process the info discussed and that as long as I maintain good vision they would consider this a cosmetic choice only not a necessity. Bless her I’m sure she meant well.  

I still have to go routinely and make sure that I'm continuing to “maintain good vision.” Tho I’m pretty sure that everyday that passes I'm one day closer to going blind. At some point it will no longer be my choice, it will become a necessity to do it because a 40% chance of success is better than nothing. I'm actually due to go back and see this surgeon again here in the next month, why she consents to see me still I don't even know, she must have lost some kind of bet in hell. Recently I was with my mom as she flipped through a random notebook then looked to me with all the seriousness in the world and asked "Just so I get it right, are you still passionate that we put 'She died like she lived balling and shot calling' on your tombstone...or....have we moved past that?"

Until I come up with something better … yeah that’s what we’ll put.

-golden (@theonlygolden)

It’s Time for Holiday Movies/Specials

While Golden’s favorite holiday is Drunksgiving mine is definitely the day that networks begin their holiday programing. Yeah I know … some networks have been showing holiday specials since June but those networks suck. I refuse to acknowledge Frosty or Santa in June. It’s just … well wrong and I’m not even talking about Christmas in July.

However now that the Turkey is eaten, the dressing is gone (sorry Golden no leftovers again this year) and my MP3 player is loaded with Christmas music so let’s get this holiday train running. I finished my holiday TV calendar earlier today and can’t wait to share it with you guys. At the latest the calendar will be posted on Dec. 1^st at the earliest it will be Sunday night.

I love this time of year, people tend to slow down, they talk more, they relax and they just seem to have a happier demeanor unless you are that asshat in the front of the line asking the cashier to scan each item and tell you the MFing price prior to you paying for it just to see if it might be on sale. As if you couldn’t see those prices prior to coming to the checkout. There’s not going to be this magical price just for you because you asked. It’s not like the stores are out there going we are going to only give this price if they ask and then when you do they say ….ahhh you caught us. No that’s not happening. Pay it…don’t pay it….. just get through the damn line. Seriously these people suck, they know who I’m talking to. Especially that bitch a the Wallgreens in southern Alabama today wearing the purple shirt over some black jeans. I nearly caught a case when you had to send your kid to the car to GET YOUR PURSE. I felt confident that you were kidding but nope your kid ran out of the store to get your purse, what the hell did you think was going to happen, was Wallgreens going to suddenly begin to give things away for free …. Um… no .. that wasn’t going to happen. You bitch. You weren’t cure and you weren’t be funny you were just being a bitch. There I said it. Just like that you ruined my Christmas mood before it really grew legs and ran down the street.

I’m going to try to fall back into my Christmas mood with a viewing of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer on the CW then Frosty the Snowman and Yes Virginia on CBS tonight, while observing the awesomeness that is Drunksgiving after today’s shopping trip I’ve earned it.

-marcy

HAPPY DRUNKSGIVING Eve!!!

What?! You say you have never heard of Drunksgiving? Gather round children as I wow you with tales of the adult holiday known as Drunksgiving. It's a magical time of year. It lasts for 3 days, the Friday, Saturday and Sunday after the U.S. observes Thanksgiving. I work on Thanksgiving so my Drunksgiving starts when I get off work at 10pm, but some people start observing Drunksgiving as soon as they leave the family gathering on Thanksgiving.

So for those of you that don't know how to celebrate Drunksgiving, let me go over the basics. The name "Drunksgiving" is derived from English terminology and loosely means "to get dat ass some kinda way by means of imbibing beers, alcohols and liquors." So for the three days of Drunksgiving you partake in the liquid spirits passed down by our ancestors. That's not all though. On Drunksgiving you decorate your house for the upcoming crimmus holiday. I personally use so much twinkle lights and glitter it looks like the inside of a drag queens disco ball. The better the decorations you offer up to the Drunksgiving holiday, the better your drinking experience daze, later in the holiday.

"So decorating and drinking? This is your holiday". No! That's just the beginning, now sit down, shut up, and stop interrupting me! Because on the first day, once you have discreetly packed you a travel adult beverage it's time to blow through ungodly amounts of money shopping! If you are doing Drunksgiving right, then you have just enough fight in you to beat down that old bitch at the Wal*mart for the last $5 crockpot. Once I drink through my "to go" spirits I usually try and make my reservations at the five star restaurant, Le Huddle House, for an afternoon breakfast before returning home to partake in a ritualistic dark nap.

Drunksgiving is celebrated differently in different parts of the world so some traditions are regional. Being raised in Alabama the second day of Drunksgiving (Saturday) is a very holy day. It is the traditional Auburn vs. Alabama football game. This is a sacred sporting event known to all in the south. Many a drunk man has suffered due to the outcome of this sporting event know as …. the … Iron Bowl. 

The rest of the Drunksgiving holiday is dedicated to wrapping gifts in a sloppy half assed fashion, of course more drinking and then random bouts of crying while watching cheesy ass crimmus movies. However as Drunksgiving winds down I experience the true Drunksgiving Miracle! When I realize....I live in the future! And in the future it's fucking magical. In the future we are able to spend shit loads of money by shopping online while not even wearing pants! This miracle realization allows me to blow through the remainder of my bank account and basically become Drunksgiving Santa. That's when I drunkenly purchase items for myself from China, only to forget about it when I sober up, until a few days before crimmus the FedEx guy delivers Sober Golden gifts that Drunken Drunksgiving Golden ordered!

So Happy Drunksgiving everybody. May your bellies be full with Drunksgiving cheer, happiness and liquor. May your home be shining and bright. May your gifts be wrapped in the prettiest of duct tape and ripped paper. May you never run you bank account below zero. And may you always be blessed with a true Drunksgiving miracle, a designated driver.

Hallelujah! All hail Drunksgiving!

-golden

 

Thankfulness Challenge - Day 19

Holy fuckballs it's cold!

I live in the US in the state of Alabama. We are by no means a tropical climate, but we are a southern state. The  weather here is usually suffering hot summers, an occasional hurricane and tornadoes that Dorothy would envy. But right now it is really stupid fucking cold outside. Last night the temperature was 25℉ and tonight it’s 43℉ but according to the weather channel it feels like 39℉. It's too cold, too early in the season.

So not feeling my fingers has totally got me fantasizing of the glory of Warmth. And I can tell you I am very thankful for warmth. That warm feeling you get when you slide on those overstuffed fuzzy house shoes after a hard day running around. The warmth of hot and sour soup as it goes down your throat and warms your belly from the inside. That awesome feeling of warmth when you crawl into what I call the blanket burrito. Where just the tip of your nose is exposed and it's coldness is a welcome contrast to the cozy burrito-y warmness of such a heavenly blanket happy place. Mmmm yeah. That's perfection.

 

The really stupid thing is that in just 4 days it's supposed to be 76℉ here.



So I'm sure at that time I’ll start fantasizing about how thankful I am for the Cool, but until then I'm going to grab my dog LuLu and strap her to me like a personal heat generator. She really isn't thankful me doing that, but fuck it. I'm a block of ice and she needs to contribute to my happiness, or get a job and pay the electricity bill!

Until next time....Stay Warm!

-golden (@theonlygolden)

Controling the universe .... with my mind

I love the phrase "Ain't nobody got time for that!" It perfectly describes my feelings of how absurd a task is and how I am far too busy to be bothered by said task. Unfortunately, right now all I have is time. I am currently propped up trying to control the universe with my mind powers!

 

Well, ok it's nothing so dramatic as all that. But I am trying to will my body to behave as any other body does. Most people go about with their bodies on autopilot. There isn’t a lot of conscious brain power that goes into making sure your body behaves normally. It just breathes, blinks, bends, beats and heals without your consent. But I have the "body stupids" and my body forgets how to body. That's where I find myself now, in a flare up of the stupids. So maybe "body stupids" isn't an official term but its much easier to get across than my real diagnosis. Plus I'm super mature and get all pouty when I don't feel good.

My official diagnosis is an unclassified variant strain autoimmune disease. Which is doctor speak for "Holy shit this bitch's body be straight Cray!" As much as can be determined is that it's like Lupus's bastard cousin, it's like Lupus but I have additional symptoms. So like Super Lupus! (cape not included). Instead of my body’s immune system doing what it should, it gets the dumbs and attacks my organs, joints and skin, like Lupus. But something about the chemistry is different from my Lupus brethren. Since I have had this going on since I was about 19/20 I have a rather high pain tolerance, but today it's failing me. So I am trying to manage my pain today while forcing my legs to be legs. Which leaves me all the time in the world to contemplate the complexity of human nature....and also watch the My Little Pony marathon (Don't judge me!).

 

The one positive outcome of all of this, is that hopefully one day this disease will be named after me and people throughout the world will cuss me randomly "Damn it my Golden is flared up like a mother fucker today!" That is what keeps a smile on my face while I battle my body stupids. Well that and these pain meds. So until we meet again have fun for me and whenever you stump your toe or accidentally knock your funny bone, do me a favor. Just call out a good rousing "Damn it Golden!" for me. I do so enjoy being randomly cussed!