So
for those of you that don't know how to celebrate Drunksgiving, let me go over
the basics. The name "Drunksgiving" is derived from English
terminology and loosely means "to get dat ass some kinda way by means of
imbibing beers, alcohols and liquors." So for the three days of
Drunksgiving you partake in the liquid spirits passed down by our ancestors.
That's not all though. On Drunksgiving you decorate your house for the upcoming
crimmus holiday. I personally use so much twinkle lights and glitter it looks
like the inside of a drag queens disco ball. The better the decorations you
offer up to the Drunksgiving holiday, the better your drinking experience daze,
later in the holiday.
"So
decorating and drinking? This is your holiday". No! That's just the
beginning, now sit down, shut up, and stop interrupting me! Because on the
first day, once you have discreetly packed you a travel adult beverage it's
time to blow through ungodly amounts of money shopping! If you are doing
Drunksgiving right, then you have just enough fight in you to beat down that
old bitch at the Wal*mart for the last $5 crockpot. Once I drink through my
"to go" spirits I usually try and make my reservations at the five
star restaurant, Le Huddle House, for an afternoon breakfast before returning
home to partake in a ritualistic dark nap.
Drunksgiving
is celebrated differently in different parts of the world so some traditions
are regional. Being raised in Alabama the second day of Drunksgiving (Saturday)
is a very holy day. It is the traditional Auburn vs. Alabama football game.
This is a sacred sporting event known to all in the south. Many a drunk man has
suffered due to the outcome of this sporting event know as …. the … Iron
Bowl.
The
rest of the Drunksgiving holiday is dedicated to wrapping gifts in a sloppy
half assed fashion, of course more drinking and then random bouts of crying
while watching cheesy ass crimmus movies. However as Drunksgiving winds down I
experience the true Drunksgiving Miracle! When I realize....I live in the
future! And in the future it's fucking magical. In the future we are able to
spend shit loads of money by shopping online while not even wearing pants! This
miracle realization allows me to blow through the remainder of my bank account
and basically become Drunksgiving Santa. That's when I drunkenly purchase items
for myself from China, only to forget about it when I sober up, until a few
days before crimmus the FedEx guy delivers Sober Golden gifts that Drunken
Drunksgiving Golden ordered!
So Happy
Drunksgiving everybody. May your bellies be full with Drunksgiving cheer,
happiness and liquor. May your home be shining and bright. May your gifts be
wrapped in the prettiest of duct tape and ripped paper. May you never run you
bank account below zero. And may you always be blessed with a true Drunksgiving
miracle, a designated driver.
Hallelujah!
All hail Drunksgiving!
-golden
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