I Don’t know what to say, so here

It is the beginning of February March, I haven’t posted since Christmas time. I would say I’ve been off having fun and tell you all about it, but honestly I haven’t been. January felt like it was never going to end but it did include a massive snow storm, which is something my area of the planet doesn’t get often so that was fun. It was pretty watching it come down but I admit I didn’t really get out in it. I was working. I did take breaks to take pictures or video every few hours then would get back to the task at hand. It literally snowed for over 8 hours straight. We have heard we got between 6-10 inches of snow, depending on which report you want to go with. I guess now that I have the ability to work from home weather days are no longer  a thing. I guess technically I could have used PTO, lord knows I have enough of it, but I had a submittal due in the middle of that storm which turned into a “digital” submission. They were quick to add that we would need to submit hard copies the following week, which we did, tho I question as to why that was necessary. We’ll see if it was worth it.

While dealing with the snow and ice that followed, the other side of the country was literally on fire. Like for weeks it was all anyone talked about, all that was on the TV and then suddenly it wasn’t. That’s starting to feel a little discombobulating as it keeps happening over and over. A MASSIVE Story that everyone is supposed to stop and pay attention to then boom it’s just gone and we all move on except for those dealing with the aftermath. There have also been lots of plane crashes, and other insanity that I won’t go into cause it’s frankly depressing and I think I’m nearing the verge of a nervous breakdown so to rehash it all seems like it’s counter productive at this point. Case in point I started writing this in February, it’s now early March and I’m still working on it.

At the start of February my Dad’s older brother died just shy of his 90^th birthday. So last week we had to drive up for the funeral. I went for my Dad, I had recently seen his brother and while it was a good visit I can’t recall the last time I saw him (before that I mean). We were on our way back from visiting Olia for the first time (my new great niece) or I likely wouldn’t have gone that time either.

Not too long after I got home from that trip I got a text message from a dear friend of mine who had been in the hospital for over a month and she was finally home. It was quite a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve talked to her several times since and I really hope this time around she’s found the right combination of medicine and resolve that her time here is not over to finally find her place in this world.

Then a few days later my mom’s sister passed away. That’s always been a very complicated relationship between them. My aunt made some choices throughout her life that weren’t always in her best interest and the last few years she’s just kind of retreated from everyone would reach out when she was sick or needed something but more or less stayed away. I think in my mom’s head she was already gone. She never really processed the death but she is doing ok. She kept saying she feels like she should be sadder or going through specific emotions that she wasn’t feeling. The funeral was more of a viewing and clear on the other side of the state. We found out about it the night before and it was to be held the next morning. So mom and her remaining sisters decided to have lunch instead and they seemed to enjoy themselves. I hope they did. They all used to be so close.

Oh and we got us a new president in the middle of all of this. Every single day has been … an adventure. I have had people that I know that voted for him to look at me and say I didn’t realize it was going to be like this to which I replied what the actual hell did you think was going to be happening ? Or those that voted for him who are trying to convince me now that he’s doing what this country needs and I’ve completely lost my fight. Things that I used to be passionate about I’m just not anymore. I’d call it picking my battles but in reality, there are battles that I’m just not willing to fight anymore cause they honestly don’t matter. Things at work that used to bother me I can’t get geared up for it anymore. Go after that submittal or don’t I don’t care. Help with the submittal or don’t we just won’t get the job. That should bother me but I’m not the one losing out on the work they are. I’ve said for decades that I’m not going to care more about these than they are and I guess I’ve finally really hit that limit. I got a promotion recently and while I know I’ve earned it I can’t help but feel it’s just for show. I’m struggling with that cause while I feel like it’s a promotion like the last one nothing has really changed so it feels like I am just going through the motions.

I can’t tell you the last time I talked with Golden. I finally texted her the other day after realizing it had been weeks/months since we really talked only to find out that she’s very sick with I guess some version of the flu with her lack of immune system it’s not easy to determine really. They will get her well, patch her up and send her back into the world until it happens next time. I don’t like to complain to much about what I have going on cause there better be a throne waiting for her with her name on it for all the crap she's had to deal with in her short little life. In a few months she and I will be attending a concert in Atlanta and then Dragon Con a few months later. Gotta get my badge for that and a hotel. 

I’m still actively or passively looking for a therapist cause I know something isn’t right. Be it a chemical imbalance, a diet thing, or what I just know something is off. I am sleeping in like 2-3 hour shifts and when I’m sleeping it’s not “good” sleep it’s filled with stress dreams or I wake up so achy from being so tense it’s like I have forgotten how to relax. It’s very exhausting but I think I’m also getting used to being exhausted. I also realize this is not a good thing just a thing I’ve got going on. Apparently in order for me to find a therapist I have to call a 1-800 number from my insurance company and discuss what’s going on before they will give me a list of approved therapist for me to call and then I have to then explain to them what’s going on and it just all seems unnecessary. I have made the call once but no one called back (however it was during the holidays so I guess I fell through the cracks) and I haven’t taken the time since to do it again. I had an appointment with someone only to learn they don’t take my insurance and while I could go talk to her (who came highly recommended) but knew in the long run I wasn’t going to want to pay her so I’d just have to start over. I think my brain convinced myself that maybe this was someone or something telling me that I didn’t need to talk with anyone but my brain and I aren’t really talking at the moment so who knows what’s really going on. I just know I’m tired.

I did spend last weekend with my new great niece (whom I just call my niece now) Olia who is just as cute and lovely in person as she is in pictures. I love that little girl so much and I can’t wait to watch her grow up and give my nephew a run for his money. As I held her last weekend I told her that her Aunt Marcy loved her and she lifted her head up (post pandemic babies are built differently) looked me in the eye then dropped her head back to my shoulder. Like she wanted to see whoever had said that. Then she snuggled into me and made this little noise that I took as “cool I like you too!” There’s talk that they will be moving back this way upon graduation in May and I am very excited about it. Like with her dad I look forward to being a part of her everyday world like I was for him.

Lent is once again upon us. I have thought a lot about what to “give up” or “add” to my life. I have settled on SODA all kinds. So from here on out it’s water, tea, juice, or Koolaid. I was also going to give up social media again but that’s not going to be a hardship cause I haven’t really been using it lately. I’m going to keep it open cause that’s how I talk with my nephews and nieces and Golden. I should give up games on my phone as I’ve gotten really dumb with those lately, but damn a girl needs a vice and so I’m keeping those. So on this Fat Tuesday I’m here to tell you that I’m still here, we are still updating this blog, even if no one is reading, and I’m going to drink another coke cause come Midnight I’m done with soda until Easter…… please pray for my coworkers….I was going to take away fried food too but someone reminded me that Lent is not about making myself a monster but about reflection and sacrifice. So maybe I’ll use these next 40 days to focus on positive things in my life to try and turn things around.

 

Wish me luck!

Marcy

Happy New Year

Happy New Year …. Some 12 days into the new year but yeah you haven’t told me happy new year yet either so suck it! In prep for this post I looked back at the previous year and you know what …. We didn’t do half bad …. We didn’t do great mind you, I’m not at all saying I deserve a pat on my back or anything but we had 8 various posts spread out through 6 different months and to me that’s pretty darn good. Hey I was an average student who was damn proud of a C, an A or B was better of course but I could live with a C. In the real world no one cares if you got C’s ….. a friend recently told me "D stands for Diploma" and I thought well not really but maybe .... ha …. just saying.

Last year I shared some original writing, did a few music posts about Eric Erdman and The Springs, shared my Social MediaBreak during lent, and my transition to a new phone - UPDPATE: I did go with the S9+ and LOVE it. So when I say it was a variety of topics I’m not joking. My problem with this blog is that I often think ohhhh I should write about my frustrations with never getting to go to a movie in a theater and why it never seems to happen and how I hope that it will happen more then something horrific happens in the world and I think well that just seems assy now. I want to be a lot of things when I grow up but assy isn’t one of them. So then I delete the word document and move on with my day. I used to keep them thinking I’d post it later but then later never came or when I went back to read it the post seemed silly and unnecessary cause I was no longer in that frame of mind. 

Last year was fun I went to our corporate office for a “retreat” in Franklin, TN (got to take one of my coworkers on her first flight which was really fun), went to DragonCon with Golden, saw several concerts with my friend Katie including Def Leppard and Journey in New Orleans, and capped off the year with Christina in Disney for Halloween. Now that I look back at this blog … kind of should have shared more of those events with you guys. This year I have a concert with Vanessa Peters to look forward to (later this month), Kiss in Birmingham with Katie, Christina and I are trying to get a trip to AU pulled together, and of course Dragon Con with Golden. Did I mention that Golden and I will be in a host hotel for the first time and not just any host hotel but the mother of all host hotels … THE MARRIOT !!!!! I am so excited about this turn of events. There is also talk of sending me to a conference in March in Ashville NC but no confirmation on that from the powers that be. Hopefully I'll get off my duff and make those blog worthy cause they totes should be. 

This past year I’ve also hesitated to write anything for fear that someone might read it (AKA family) and get their feelings hurt. I have since realized that I can’t let that hold me back. My mother almost died twice this year, and while no one in my family reads this thing (that I know of) I’d have hated one of them reading about some of our struggles and in particular my frustrations throughout it since it wasn’t that we weren’t really telling people about it but at first we didn’t know what to say. Here’s the story ……. she was sick and instead of making her go to a doctor we let her “handle it her way” until her way wasn’t working anymore. I finally forced the issue and called 911 myself and if I hadn’t she would have bled to death within the next 12-24 hours. She had a bleeding ulcer that was trying to perforate. She sat in the ER all night long and well into the next day getting blood, losing blood and waiting for someone to decide they were going to do something. At the same time my father was on the other side of the hospital getting his pacemaker replaced. Thank god for my brother, he was able to sit with mom while I was with my dad and that was the longest 12-24 hours of my life. Once dad was done we checked him out, drove him around the hospital (he wanted to see my mom), he went back into the ER (by himself cause they wouldn’t let us go with him – one at a time they said) while my brother and I hung out After leaving the ER at midnight and being back at the hospital at 5 I was in zombie mode as the adrenalin was wearing off. Then he took my dad home (later I discovered dad had him replace a toilet and I was livid) and I went to sit with my mom who kept telling me to go home and rest. She finally had surgery that afternoon around 4. They “fixed it” but the doctor said she almost died on the table twice and he was shaking when he said it which did not fill me with warm fuzzys. A week later she was home. Two weeks after that we were back in the ER and this time they had to slice open her stomache from side to side when they weren’t able to clamp and artery. That one we really almost lost her. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks and in rehab for 2 more weeks. She is now home and getting stronger every day but it was a tough 2-3 months for sure. She claims if she sees blood again she’s not saying anything cause that ordeal took a lot out of her. I hope that’s all talk but I also am checking her more often now because of it. I feel like I’m in three lives right now. My work life, my home life, and my by myself life. If I’m not working or taking care of mom I’m in my room watching you tube trying to get myself tired enough to sleep. I’m not sleeping well. I’m averaging about 4-5 hours a night but it’s interrupted sleep so I’d say I’m getting less than that. I’m still moving however so that’s something I’m proud of. My father has been a ROCK throughout this entire ordeal, who would have thought it. He has the bed side manner of say Peter Griffin. He means well but often he’s just in the way but this time I think he’s proving the definition of for better or for worse. God love them they are a cute little couple. Dad’s running himself half ragged too but he’s also pushing himself harder than I’d like. I keep telling him to take some time for himself but I really think he’s “fixing mom” which is replacing some of the guilt he has from “not being able to fix his mom” when he was working and had two kids and Alzheimer’s is a **tch even if he doesn’t believe she had it. She totes did but i'm not gonna argue with him about it just now.

So this is a post to say Happy New Year and a post to keep this blog alive and to try and get my voice back on this thing. I really do enjoy using this blog to share my thoughts and gives with the world I just need to make it more of a priority. I'm nearly 40 (in like 15 days) so that's going to fun to share as well. It's a new decade for me … let's make it a good one. 

Marcy

@beaslma