AmWriting "My Fault"

So I started this story the other day, it buried itself into my brain and wouldn't let go until I got it out .... and since one of my goal is to write more ... I decided to post it here. Some of my issues with writing of late is that I write it, save it, then close the word file, moving on with my life thinking, well that was pointless. Without have an end game for the story a place to share it, a purpose for its existence it makes it seem silly. Like learning a musical instrument in your 40s. So I'm going to use this blog for some of that. Maybe you'll read it and enjoy it maybe you won't but at least it's no longer a file on my computer sitting useless. So ... here goes ...

My Fault

David sat in his chair, a drink in his hand, lights turned off, and remote in his other hand, when there was a knock on his door. He sat his drink down, “it's open” he yelled as he muted the TV with a sigh.

His cousin’s wife Ann walked in, slightly taken back by his appearance, and sat down across from him as she tried not to show it, “So….how’s it going?” he noticed her glance around the room.

He grinned, likely for the first time in days, “Really? That’s what you are going with… ‘how’s it going’ he paused, “You do realize how lame that is, right?!”

She, reached for his drink, leaned back in the chair, “yeah whatever …the point is still the same, how are you?” She took a sip of his drink, “Pepsi?”

“I’m not over here drinking myself into a stupor, I’m better than that.” She raised an eyebrow, “yeah, ok I’m not, but you caught me on a good night. I spent a full week completely toasted and it didn’t help so I’m trying the other spectrum.” Then he smirked again, “Yes, you may have some of my drink. Since you asked.”

“There he is, that’s who I’ve been looking for.” She handed him back his drink, “Look I know this isn’t easy, I guess the reason I’m here, is to ….” She paused, leaned forward, placed her hand on his knee “I’m here.”

“I know. I appreciate it, really I do.” He looked towards the TV as the show he was watching started to come back on, “Wanna watch with me?” He half hoped she’d decline and leave and the other part of him hoped she’d stay. He wasn’t sure which part he wanted to win, but it was kind of nice talking to someone, he had forgotten what his voice sounded like.

She didn’t answer, but got up and moved to sit in the chair closer to him and reached for his hand. He took it and squeezed it as they settled in to watch.

A few months ago, if she had come by, there would have been food in the kitchen, music playing from the stereo, or more likely his phone, and the TV would have been long forgotten. A few months ago, he was happy, he was engaged to the most beautiful woman in the world and had his entire life planned out ready for him to live it. A few months ago, she wouldn’t have come over alone, but would have brought his cousin, Chris, with her and they would have spent an evening in conversation, laughter, and fun games. A few months ago, everything was different.

He remembered the first time he brought Karen home to meet Chris and Ann. He wasn’t sure who was more nervous Ann or Karen. He laughed a little to himself when he remembered telling Karen afterwards that he would have won that title easily as they made their way home. They had been dating for nearly a year, but he didn’t want to introduce her until he knew he they were serious about each other. Why put her through the scrutiny if she wasn’t the one he reasoned. They walked in the house and Chris was outback grilling steaks. Ann handed Karen a glass of wine and sent David outside, “Go she’ll be fine… I don’t bite …hard!” He glanced at Karen who replied, “I have no problem biting back!” Both laughed, and he kissed her on the head as he went towards the back door. As she closed it behind him he yelled, “Best behavior Ann!”

“What’s that about?” Chris said looking up. 

“I think I was kicked out of your house so your wife could interrogate my date!”

He laughed, “You really should have seen that coming!” then turning to the mini fridge on the deck, “Have a beer.” “So…..”

David laughed, “So…..” They have always had very easy conversation often holding long conversations barely saying a word to one another. They were roughly the same age with Chris being 6 months older, but David was taller. They were as close as brothers and despite the fact they had different moms looked like brothers too. “She’s a great girl, you are going to like her. If you don’t … keep it to yourself”

He flipped the steaks, “Deal.” They both knew that Ann was the camel, if Karen didn’t win her over then it was an uphill battle no matter who else liked her. They talked football while waiting on the steaks to finish. David kept glancing through the window to see the two laughing with one another. 

It was a wonderful night, a little awkward at times, but everyone seemed to get along and that’s what was important to David. He didn’t need them to all be best friends out of the gate, but he needed them to all get along since they would spent a lot of time together down the road. At one point he saw Chris grinning at Karen as she told a story about her dog and he caught Amy grinning at him with a small nod of approval at what she was hearing. They would become fast friends and the four of them became very close in a short span of time. When David finally popped the question Amy was the first person Karen told, Chris having already known for weeks that it was coming.

They both watched in silence as the comedy on TV played out in front of them, he was starring at the box but not really taking it in and she kept stealing glances at him. She also noticed a pile of mail unopened, and a computer covered in a thin layer of dust. He was nesting and had cut himself off from everything even she and Chris. The cell phone, that she has been desperately trying to connect with him late laid discarded on the other side of the room, she couldn’t tell if it still had battery or not. He looked good, tired, but good. She glanced at him again and this time he caught her, “Chris said to say hi if I got to talk to you. So "HI!" He’s working tonight but … well he’s worried about you too. We’ve been trying to call but you aren’t answering.” Gesturing to the phone, “You can’t do that you know.”

“I do.” As he continued to stare at the TV. “I haven’t had much to say, and then my phone died. It was nothing personal, honest.”

She ignored that, “There’s this cool device they have now, I’ll see if I can get you one, you plug one end into the wall and the other end into your phone and like magic it keeps it charged for you so that the battery won’t die.” She smiled as the said it hoping he’d laugh.

“I’ve heard of those, there might be one around here somewhere, seemed easier to not though.” He didn’t laugh.

The show came back on and she was lost in thought. This had been going on for over a month and frankly it scared her.

No matter what has happened in their lives they’ve dealt with it together, Chris was his rock and she knew David was Chris’ rock. If they weren’t going to reach out to one another she’d be that bridge. She had the night free and decided she’d come over. Not really expecting to find this. She didn’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t this. She knew he was hurting, she knew he was pulling away she didn’t know what to do about it. She wished Chis was here, he told her to give him time. “He’ll come to us when he’s ready Amy, you have to respect that.”

She glanced around the room again only to realize that any remembrance of her was gone, no photographs, no books, no clothing. A shadow box that she made after their last vacation was gone from the wall. Then she noticed the boxes in the hallway. He had purged her from the house. She felt helpless to help him through this and felt as his friend it was her duty to see him to the other side of his heartbreak, somehow.

Shortly after college Amy and Chris broke up, they fought for weeks before deciding that it was just too much effort to be together. They boxed up their stuff and went their separate ways figuring they’d never see one another again.  She moved in with her best friend from College until she figured out what to do next. They were having dinner one night when a knock at the door scared them both since they weren’t expecting anyone.

She was shocked to see David behind the peep hole. He knew she was looking and waved. She opened the door but didn’t invite him in as it started to rain.

“Hey…” he said as he buried his hands in his jacket pockets. “I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d come by and see how you were doing.” She didn’t say anything so he just stood there as it started raining harder, “Um… can I come in ?”

“Oh yeah of course, please come in. We were just eating dinner, it’s just spaghetti but would you like a plate?!” As she moved out of the way to let him in.

“No, I’m good I’ve already eaten, I didn’t mean to interrupt your dinner, please sit back down and eat while it’s hot.” He pulled her chair back out and gestured to her to sit down. She took her seat her friend still sitting in hers. No way in the world was she leaving this conversation if she could help it.

“So….how’s it going?” she grinned as she took a big bite.

“I’m good, work is good, life is good …… look … I’m not going to waste your time. Is it really over…. Cause … Chris is a mess. He’s angry with himself that you guys go to this point but he has no idea how to make this better cause you won’t talk to him. What can we do to fix this?”

“We?”

“Hey I’m part of this relationship too, I introduced you guys after all. If you don’t make it my relationship quota goes back down to none. I have a reputation I’m trying to build here.”

She smiled and put her fork down, “look David, I appreciate…”

He cut her off, “no …. No I won’t leave here without a solution for this. The two of you belong together, he’s an idiot and no one knows that better than me. He’s a better man when you are around, he thinks more about the world, he’s more focused and driven when you are around. He needs you. He can’t breathe when you aren’t around, he’s constantly at near panic attack mode. I’m not saying that’s a positive, but it’s the truth. I hate seeing him like this and I know the solution is you two getting back together. I know you guys have problems, but if you can’t work them out what’s the hope for the rest of us? He makes you better too by the way. He relaxes you, he shows you there is more to life than work and you need him too. Will you just talk to him and see if there’s anything there to salvage?!”

She was taken back by his bluntness, she glanced at her friend who shrugged, “He’s not wrong. You guys are great together and short of something catastrophic you should at least try to work it out.”

He walked over to her friend, “I like her, why don’t we hang out with her more.”

She didn’t know what to say. She still loved Chris and David was right she needed him as much as he needed her. When she didn’t reply he got down on his knee to be on her level, “what was the fight about?” she honestly couldn’t remember. “Please Ann just have coffee with him. Tomorrow 9am?”

She agreed, and they got back together around 9:05 and were married a few months later. David, the best man, gave a fantastic speech about how he made this night happen and was solely responsible for their happiness which made the room laugh and the two of them nod in agreement. She had looked forward to watching him on this journey finding the love of his life, marriage, kids, and felt cheated that he wasn’t going to have that at least for now. There had been other girlfriends but none that made his face light up the way Karen did. None who put that sparkle in his eye just by saying her name in his presence.

The show continued, neither really caring about the show, but it gave them a chance to talk during commercials and not have to deal with awkward pauses.  When the show ended she squeezed his hand again, “well I’m going to go, please charge your phone, and check in every once in a while.”

She walked over to his phone and plugged it in for him, then started out the door when he said quietly, “it’s all my fault.”

“I’m sorry what?”

“It was …. my fault.”

“Please do not be stupid, you can’t possibly think that is true.” As she made her way back over to him.

“She was due to come home two days later. I missed her. I asked her to come home early. Had I never called her on that stupid phone, she’d be sitting here with us now.” That was the first time he said out loud the words that had been bouncing around in his head for weeks. “I was bored and missed her and now I’ll never talk to her again.” She wrapped him in her arms, no words for him as he sobbed into her shoulder.

She had no idea how to react “Darlin, you can’t do that to yourself.” He lifted his head and looked her in the eyes, “how can I not?” tears streaming down his face.

Seeing that face she was reminded of the day he got the call, on the same phone she suddenly realized that she had just set to charge. He had joined them for lunch after church and was about to leave to go pick her up at the airport when his phone rang. She and Chris were arguing about something, she couldn’t remember what now, and when he answered they both sensed the room change. He turned white as a ghost, grabbed Chris’ shoulder, said he’d be right there. The two of them took off out the door without speaking, she ran to grab her shoes to join them. By the time she got to the door they were gone. Chris told her later how awful it was walking into the hospital looking for Karen only to be told she had just taken her last breath. They were told that the pilot over shot the runway and the plane crashed as it was trying to land, there were few survivors. They missed talking to her by less than 5 minutes.  A few months ago, everything was different now it may never be the same.

You know ... I'm not sure why most of my stories end with someone leaving or dying but there ya go.... What did you all think?

Marcy (@beaslma)   

2018 Resolutions/Guidelines

HAPPY NEW YEAR…. In a few hours … look I plan to be sound asleep in bed at midnight or at least in bed wishing the neighbors would stop with the fireworks already. So I’m telling you happy new year now mostly cause I can’t wait for this shitstorm of a year to just go. Seriously 2017 don’t let the door hit you on the way out. It’s not 2017’s fault, really I mean it just showed up and what happened …well it just happened however I’m blaming 2017 cause there’s really no one else to blame.

Overall it was a pretty decent year, for me anyway, for the Country that's for history to decide. My 2017 resolutions all pretty much came out ahead so that’s a positive. In 2017 my resolutions included write more … which I did … kinda …hey I finished my Haley and Michael’s story so that’s one thing I did … I didn’t start a new one which I had wanted to do but hey that’s Future Marcy’s problem right?! I also wanted to exercise and lose some weight. I did kind of do this, I maintained the weight I was at so I didn’t gain any but I lost very little too so I’m calling this one a draw. I wanted to Travel more and damn if that didn’t rocket to the top of my success list. I traveled to Auburn a few times, Birmingham a few more times, Atlanta a few times, Pensacola (for work), Orlando for fun, and Nashville for the best weekend ever. I definitely can say that this resolution was met with a very happy yes let’s do that attitude. I wanted to get more involved in church, since I had just started a new church in 2016 and I can definitely report that I did do that, from Vacation Bible School to helping with Communion and the Nursery this was also a successful resolution. I also helped with several “parents night out events” and have been appointed to keeping up with the monies coming in and out of the church in 2018 which I’ve already started. I wanted to spend more time with friends which I can report I did so, I mean I didn’t go on all those trips myself did I? I want to make more time to stop and do lunch with friends, or have dinner with friends I don’t see often more in 2018 so that’s a new goal. I also didn’t want to die. That was the main thing I wanted to accomplish for 2017 and I can proudly say that I accomplished that goal. Whew … it was touch and go panic wise most of the year but I did it. Suck it 2017.

So … what do I hope to accomplish in 2018 …. What does it have in store for me ….. what can I try to control when the outside world is too much ….. these are my resolutions/guidelines for 2018 …

1.       Lose Weight – I desperate need to keep this one in check. It’s weird I’m like the opposite of anorexic, like I don’t feel overweight when I’m just sitting around or walking around then I walk by a piece of store front glass and I’m like who the hell is that or someone takes a picture and I’m all ewwwwwwwwwwwww. I really need to get this in check sooner than later and no time like the present, or tomorrow, maybe tomorrow is better. If nothing else I want to be able to go to things and buy a tshirt remembering that trip or that event and right now I’m often told they don’t have that size I have started wearing clothing that fits instead of clothing that’s too big so I can hide in it some. That’s helped a bit but I have more work to be done … stupid chips … being so damn delicious.

2.       Clean More – I have a tendency to let things go until I simply can’t take it anymore then have a massive day where I spend it cleaning, typically it’s a Saturday and by say 5pm I’m done even if I’m not done. So my area often looks worse than it is cause there are piles of crap everywhere. I need to take a lot of stuff to good will, I have far more clothes than I’ll ever wear, I need to throw things away that I’m not going to use and are of no use to anyone else. These are things I really need to do. I should also vacuum more but I know me let’s start with just being able to sit on the window seat.

3.       Spend more time with Friends – this includes dinners after work, or long lunches with friends I don’t see often. I did some of that this past year but not nearly as much. There was still al lot “let’s do x-y-z” then nothing came of it, and I miss these people. My goal is to do more of the planning and less of the not doing the planning. I’m not talking long trips, I’m talking around town going to movies, going to dinner, having adult conversations over adult beverages. I’m really bad about thinking no one wants to do x-y-z with me so I don’t ask, but I need to trust these people to tell me no. ha!

4.       Travel more – I want to continue to travel in 2018. I really enjoyed that aspect of 2017 getting to go and do things instead of being at work or not being at work. I even enjoyed a few of my work travel trips, tho my friendship trips were way more fun obviously. It’s not even 2018 and I already have a trip to New Orleans planned for Mardi Gras (who am I ?) and also a trip to Orlando in October with that same friend now that I think about it. So I’m hoping 2018 will follow 2017’s example and I’ll have more fun during my “downtime” cause after all that’s why I work as hard as I do right?!

5.       Spend time with the nephew’s – As I said the other day the older nephew will be in college next year, that’s just insane. I know after he gets to Auburn he’ll have less time with his aunt Marcy and that’s ok. He’s growing up and has his own life but I have little time left to hang with him so I want to take advantage of it even if he’s busier than I am between school, work and his girlfriend, bring her a long, I like her. As for the little one when big bro leaves I want to hang with him more too cause I remember when my brother left for school I suddenly felt like I was disconnected from him even if we didn’t spent a lot of time together as it was. I want to do more with them than go to a sporting event, have lunch, then come home.

6.       Discover new music – last year I found a new artist whom I adore cause I took a chance and found someone who I my ear holes have been very happy that I found. My twitter follower list is filled with independent artist just waiting for that big break and I like seeing that from the beginning. I also want to post more about these artist to try and put their name out there some. When this blog first started I wrote a lot about my obsession with music, I need to get back into that.

7.       See more movies – I’m not talking about DVDs tho I do have a ton of those still in the wrappers but I’m talking seeing movies in the theater. I had several movies this year that I wanted to see then never did. Either I couldn’t’ find anyone interested in said movie or there wasn’t a good time to go so the movie left the theater. My goal this year a movie every other month even if I have to go alone, I mean it’s not like me and the friend I drag along are going to be talking through the movie right?

8.       Write more letters – sure social media is fine and allows us to feel connected even when we really aren’t, but a long or short letter to someone can make their day. I want to do that more often, I had a pen pal I guess I still have that pen pal I haven’t heard from her in a while but I went a few months without reaching out to her too. I want to make more of an effort to her and to others in my life who aren’t close enough to touch but that would be fun to reach out to in this more traditional way.

So that’s the plan for 2018 …… I’m sure I’m leaving a few things off but just cause they aren’t on this list that doesn’t mean I can’t do them right?! I’m not nearly as anxiety ridden about 2018 as I was but I see another social media break for me in my future. I really enjoyed the Lent break I took and I think that’s going to become a yearly thing for me. It’s good to step away, stop with the RT and shares and think about how we use that platform not always for the greater good. I’m hoping that 2018 will include more conversations and less name calling, more discussions about events and ideas and less dismissing things outright since they don’t fit into my beliefs. I think we can make the world a better place in 2018 but only if we strive to listen to one another, have the conversations we’ve been avoiding and realize that it’s ok to not agree with others as long as those disagreements are done respectively. You can’t change someone’s view but treating that person as if they are an asshat. You don’t have to change the world but you can make it a better place. Let’s make 2018 a positive year and that starts with what we post, how we interact with one another and frankly what we put out into the world. 

Let’s do this!

Marcy (@beaslma)

Mandatory Year End Post

We started this blog in August 2014 and as I look towards the end of 2017 and towards 2018 I can’t help but wonder …. Why someone would take the time to read what we have written. I mean 12,909 times people have clicked on this blog in the last three years, you’d think that you guys would have better things to read. I mean don’t get me wrong …. I appreciate you all being here I just wonder if you don’t have a head injury, lost a bet in hell, or are under court order forcing you to be here. Either way … welcome and I hope in some small way we have entertained you.  According to my calculations we had over 24 posts this year and had 5 months with more than 3 posts so that’s exciting. I even got Golden to do a few posts in 2017, here’s hoping she makes it back in 2018 more.

I will admit this time last year I was very wary of 2017. I didn’t have high aspirations for it …frankly I wasn’t sure we’d even be around for yearend post to be possible so since we are …. 2017 is a win, I guess, I mean jeezz that bar was set really really low huh? I spent most of the year at near panic attack status and my social media break during Lent helped get me back in check somewhat. It was that serious people. I have also decided based on my previous fears to “seize the day” as it were and do things outside of my comfort zone. I can honestly say for the first time in my professional life I did not neglect my vacation time. You know what was so great about that….work didn’t fall apart. Everything continued as needed and I realized for the first time really that it truly wasn’t all on my shoulders, something my boss has been telling me for years.

This vacation time was spent having a really great time. I started the year with a trip to Auburn to see the Gymnastics team do their thing (we wanted to go to a softball game but no tickets available), then Golden’s birthday trip to the Zoo in May. In July I went with a friend to see Asia/Journey in concert and fart around a bit at the Beach being lazy in a pool (that’s right people I worse a swimsuit in public and no one died (that I’m aware of anyway)). In August/September Dragon Con took full stage, and in October Nashville/Ed Sheeran then to cap off the year Disney with Golden. I made a deal with myself last year I was going to travel more, spend more time with friends and family and have experiences not just wish I was doing things. I took over 3 work weeks (15 days total) off this year at various points of the year and still have over 3 weeks in the vacation bank. According to HR I can also be sick for a month should I need to utilize that, here’s hoping I don’t, then again a mental health day every once in a while might be a good idea. I’ll cough now in case I need it *cough*.

That’s crazy to me, but that’s what some 14 years of neglecting your vacation time gets you I guess. That’s another mile stone I reached, I have now been at my job for 14 years. If work were a kid it would be a teenager about to start studying for his/her permit as he/she stands at the top of the stairs yelling they hate me for being well an adult and “interfering in their life” or some jazz like that according to TV/movies I watch. As it stands, I’m still not married, not even in a relationship of any type, and kids are so far out of my radar that I’ve decided I’m ok with not ever having any, that’s what Nephews are for right?! Speaking of Nephews in 2018 the oldest will be graduating from High School and he’s already been accepted to Auburn University for the fall. He’s really stupid smart and has gotten over $8K in scholarship monies so far and they are still rolling in. I’m insanely proud of him and yet also worried about him at the same time. I’m sure he’ll do fine but I know that my first semester (Quarter … we were on Quarters then) was rough and no matter how many times I tell him that he thinks I got this, which is fine cause I did the same thing when my brother tried to warn me. He’s going to have find out himself and I know that but I wish he could learn from the mistakes I made. He’ll be fine, he’ll stumble and pick himself back up and I just might have to make it to a few games next year to you know check on him and all.

I did a few things this year for me, I went to the doctor for some long overdue things that could have waited but are making my life easier so I’m glad I did it. My blood pressure is more under control than it has been which is, as Martha Stewart would say “a good thing.” I lost a little bit of weight but would like to do more. I’ve never really dieted (as anyone who has seen me can tell) but I do think it’s time I did something for real about this weight, the issue is I really like to eat, and I’m also a stress eater. I don’t eat a lot but what I do eat isn’t good for me, lots of fried food, salty stuff that kind of thing. Chips are my weakness… I LOVE CHIPS any kind all day long. I think it’s the crunch. I also love opening that bag for the first time…… “Hi…My name is Marcy and I’m addicted to the crunch of eating chips!”

2018 I hope for more of the same …. Travel, time with friends, time with family, fun not just work … that’s the goal. I already have a few fun things lined up for 2018 including a few concerts and another trip to Disney in October with Christina and her family. We are going to trick or treat in the Magic Kingdom people! That sounds like so much fun ... mental note to self gotta find a costume. I assume that we will do Dragon Con again but it’s far too early to make those plans, ha! Of course I’ll continue my involvement at our new church – um … I’ve now been there over a year can I still call it my “new” church? – These silly people have appointed me as the record keeper for the monies coming in and out of the church, which is very daunting cause me and numbers don’t get along. Lucky I have people watching my back to make sure I’m doing it correctly, bless them. I assume I’ll also help with Vacation Bible School again and more Kid’s Night Out events are in my future as well I’m sure. The kids seem to enjoy them and I think the parents do as well.

I will write another “New Years” post with resolutions/guidelines for the coming year, but I’ll admit 2018 doesn’t feel as scary as 2017 did, or maybe my brain is just numb to it all…who knows.

Either way … thanks for reading, thanks for being my sounding board, and thanks for not being bored even if I’ve started treating this thing like my diary of events.

Have a fantastic New Year see you on the other side!

Marcy (@beaslma)

PS – in 2018 I’m hoping to get Golden (@theonlygolden) back on this blog, 2017 was not good to her, it was downright evil actually, here is to an even better 2018 for her as well as for all reading these words.