Sunday, January 22, 2017

Hard Days Night

A horrible day at work. Just over the top stressful. Most of my things I've lost on the bread trail from my door to my bed include ...

§  Keys, which I hope are in my Nana's funky ashtray from the 60's.

§  Rainbow Brite backpack, used as a purse, which might currently reside on the couch.

§  Work bag, on the end table, surrounded by DVD boxes, lord only knows the location of the actual DVDs.

§  Shoes, sacrificed during the expedition for a Diet Coke, I believe they were kicked off in the kitchen next to LuLu's new giant pillow, which Santa brought her for Christmas.

§  Pants, which were discarded in the hallway, hey I almost made it to the bathroom.

§  Gaming bag, on the passenger side of my bed.

§  Shirt, on THE chair in my room. You know which one. The one everyone has but no one sits in because it's covered in clothes.

§  Hair, carefully placed on its pedestal, where she belongs.

I did obtain my shirt from the bathroom before finally heading to the bedroom. It's only a shirt by technicality. It has a front/back/sleeves, but also can't be worn outside for fear of an indecent exposure citation. It's so thin, tissue paper would provide more coverage.'s safe, it's comfort, it's security.

I wash my face, then apply the astringents, lotions, gels & creams. I don't know why I go through this routine, I don't even wear makeup but a routine I am religious about.

I put down fresh water and food for the cat, JiJiPusGato and finally crawl heavily in to my bed.

All of this is done without turning on a light, in a darkened house at a later hour than I’d like for it to be.

A day of frustration leads to tossing and turning. Exhaustion of soul finally gives away to sleep. I wish it was deep.

Shuffle. Scoot. Peaks from behind heavy eyelids. Turns. Moves just a little bit more. Then feel it. Laying up against her I start to relax. I find my spot.

Little noises exist that can become unnecessarily loud with silence. I crack open an eye just to check. Everything is fine but I don't want to move too much, I don't want to disturb her. As long as she lays here...I will too. In that moment I’m safe, all is good.

The sun comes up too early as it’s known to sometimes do. And I stretch, unfolding from a night of restlessness. I reach out to wake her, time to get going.



Ridiculously Stupid Golden…

I pick up my gaming bag from next to me. All night half conscious seeing a curl of black, feeling warmth on my leg, trying to be still to appease a bag. All because I fucking forgot.

She is gone.


How stupid am I to forget she's gone. I don't have an answer. All I know is that she is gone and I'm still not used to it.

And the silence she has left behind is deafening.


Sunday, January 8, 2017


When I was in college I got the call. Come home, spend time with Tiger cause he’s not doing well. I packed up and rushed home spent the weekend playing with him, loving on him, hugging him and then he sat in the window barking at me as I got in the car to head back to school. When I got home I knew he wasn’t here long. I knew there was a tumor in his stomach that was keeping him from eating, I knew that he was at least 13 years old. I knew these things but it didn’t make it easier for me to walk in the door and have him not run up to the back door (he was an outside dog) and me have to fight him to get out as he tried to get in. I walked around the yard and found him in his favorite spot in my mom’s garden, which also happens to be his final resting place but more on that later. He lifted his head when I said his name, he looked at me gave a half hearted bark and wagged his tail. I sat down next to him and patted his head talking to him and started to pick him up into my lap when he barked basically saying “Hey nice lady….yeah don’t touch me there!” We must have sat like that for hours, until it was dark and then we let him in (as we did most nights) to hang out for a bit. It was a nice weekend I had the opportunity to say good bye.

The next week my mom took him to our vet and they put him to sleep. My father took the day off work, my nephew helped dad dig the hole in the garden, mom had them put Tiger in a medium Tupperware box with several blankets, to keep him warm, and the vet walked my mom to the car, hugged her and cried as she left. See Tiger was his first “patient” in his new practice after he had been working for another veterinarian. We still get a Christmas card from them, we understand that Tiger’s file is still in his filing cabinet. Everyone else in the cabinet is in ABC order, Tiger is listed as #1. We understand that an intern was hired to update records and she tried to throw the file away and the vet lost his shit over it and it was returned with a note saying “do not remove.” That’s how important a furbaby is, even if it’s not yours.

Tiger started out as my dog. We got him when I was 7 after I spent a week walking around with a box of roly polys which I called my pets. It worked out fine for me until dad looked in the box and realized that all of the roly polys were dead. I was pretty sure they were just sleeping but Dad is usually right. So off we went to pick out a dog. We picked out Tiger, or better yet he picked us. We went to the shelter, my brother, my parents and I and most of the dogs ignored us but Tiger barked at me. He was so little, so cute and was in dad’s price range. When he was a puppy my brother carried him around in a baseball cap. As kids often do we loved the dog at first but then life took over and Tiger became an after thought for us but for dad he was a constant companion. He and Tiger became shadows of one another.

True Story: My mom knew the second my dad left his office because Tiger would stop running around the yard and would sit on the back stairs looking through the window. He would sit just like that until dad walked through the room then Tiger would resume his chasing of squirrels or kids around the yard. My dad didn’t work an 8-5 job, he’d come home at 4, at 5, at 6, sometimes later. The point is no matter when he was coming home we’d know it cause Tiger would be sitting on the stairs. A few minutes later dad would walk in the door. It was crazy but it was a constant.

As some of you may know Golden recently lost her furbaby. This is her second furbaby loss since I’ve met her. When we were in college Golden got Roxy, a cocker spaniel. Roxy was amazing, smart, and pretty sure she was a little girl. She wasn’t even sure what this “dog” thing was that we kept calling her. Golden taught her all these tricks and when you said outside she would go to the door, when you said bedtime she would go to the bedroom. Once I gave Roxy a hedgehog for Christmas and by the time I left (some 2 days later) you could say “where’s your hedgehog and she could go to a pile of toys and pull it out, bring it to you and then look at you like “are you a takerbaker?!” I often gave Roxy stuffed animals cause her favorite thing to do was pull out the squeaky thing on the inside. This also resulted in fluff everywhere which Golden would have to clean up – see it was the gift that kept giving! Roxy was a great companion she would keep you company on the couch she would protect you, as long as the threat was really far away, and she was loving. I didn’t miss Tiger as much because I had a surrogate furbaby in Roxy. Roxy developed health problems as she grew up from seizures to food allergies and blew out both knees (we believe because of a seizure while Golden was at work) and eventually passed away from breast cancer. I loved Roxy and cried when Golden called me, but my heart broke for Golden. For weeks I’d check on Golden and she’d be doing well until she pulled into the drive way and it hit her like it hadn’t before that Roxy’s nose wasn’t on the window welcoming her home. She sat in her car and cried and when she told me that I cried too.
A little while later Golden got a new furbaby. The famous Lulu, a springer spaniel (but if you asked me there was some greyhound in her too). If you follow Golden’s twitter account Lulu was a crack addicted furbaby who spent a lot of her time wishing Golden would stop singing at her. Lulu was in fact a crazy dog. She would get super excited when people came over. She loved to attack the cat (the cat  didn’t love it nearly as much) she also loved to climb trees. No joke she climbed a freaking tree chasing some birds. She was also stupid fast hence the greyhound aspect of her. Lulu loved to play, she also loved to bite.  Her tail was her greatest weapon and it hurt like hell. The first time I visited after she came to live with Golden I’d be sitting on the couch and Lu would jump up and grab my hair, which hurt like hell. She didn’t know what she was doing. She was a puppy in a grown dogs body. It was her way of pulling my shirt tail. “Hey come play with me!” Golden had Lulu for about 5 years, when I realized that I was shocked in some ways it felt like she just got Lulu in others it felt like Lulu had been there forever. A week or so ago Lulu wasn’t feeling well, wasn’t eating, drinking very little and what she was eating/drinking she would throw up. Golden took her to the Vet only to find out she had the “puppy flu” which I admit I kind of made fun of. What your dog has the flu, is that a thing? Is that real!? In all my life I’d never heard of a dog getting the flu. Turns out it’s pretty freaking serious. Lulu passed away sometime Friday night/Saturday morning. Once again Golden watched as a furbaby took it’s last breath. Losing a furbaby is never easy watching them die the way Golden did has to be brutal.

I wish I knew what to do for her. I mean if it were say, her mom (God forbid) I’d drop everything, get in my car, call the office and say I have to go. No one would question it. They would rally around and make whatever needed to happen at work happen and I’d come back in a few days thanking them for helping me help my friend. I wouldn’t even question not being by Golden’s side at this moment. I wouldn’t feel intrusive, I wouldn’t feel in the way I’d be where I needed to be no questions asked. I feel helpless right now. I didn’t drop everything and rush to Golden’s side, I didn’t call her cause she was sleeping (it’s been weeks since Golden has slept), I checked in with text messages, watched her twitter account and as long as she was tweeting, liking things I knew she was….not ok…but here. I just don’t know what to do to make this hurt less and that breaks my heart. I feel like a crappy friend.

Golden will be ok I know that in my head but my heart is broken for her as I know her’s in broken for Lulu. I hope she knows I’m here if she needs me, I’m here if she wants to talk I’m here if she wants to call and talk about say … Dr. Who or Psych or anything else that she might want to talk about instead of talking about what she can’t talk about yet. So this is a post asking you to hug your furbaby, asking you to send love and positive energy to Golden (@theonlygolden) and a post telling you that a furbaby is important. If anyone knows of anything I can do for Golden that I’m not already doing, please let me know.

RIP Lulu ….. you will be missed …. By more than just your crack dealer.

Marcy   @beaslma

Sunday, January 1, 2017

A Royal Musical Journey – conclusion – original fiction

This isn’t the post I had planned for today, yes that’s right I’m really trying to get back into this blogging thing. However I finally got the Haley and Michael’s story out of my head and onto a screen. I thought I’d wait and post it tomorrow but decided life is short …why wait?! So here it is … the conclusion of this Royal journey which I realized while doing this that each “main” character has been a focus on each story which is kind of cool. The first one Dreams,Music, and the Royal family was from Kate’s point of view, the second Connections was from Harry’s, the third A Royal Welcome (my favorite) was from Shannon’s and this one is from Ryan’s point of view (a four part story...who saw that coming ha!). That was a happy accident and I hope it didn’t make it too disjointed.

If you want to read from the beginning links to the other stories are in the paragraph above. It’s not necessary to understand the story but makes it more fun.  I must restate how odd it is that I’ve even chose this as my “muse” I don’t know Shannon or Ryan and I certainly don't know any of the Royal family, heck I've never even shown a big interest in the comings and goings of the Royal family, yet I find myself thinking about this story long after I’ve left the keyboard. I hope Ryan and Shannon don’t think I’m crazy, I doubt that the Royal Family even knows I exist.

This one ended up longer than I had anticipated and I’ve actually cut a lot of it out so stick with me if you can. So anyway …. Here it is …. Enjoy

A Royal Musical Journey

Ryan never gets tired of stepping onto a stage, never gets tired of watching the love of his life standing nearby singing her heart out, never gets tired of the feel of a guitar in his hands and knowing that he can make it do things others only dream of. It was a New Year’s Eve show, something they said they wouldn’t do as holidays are for family, but when Hoda calls you say yes … principles be damned.

They finished their song during the New Year’s Eve festivities and sat down to talk with Hoda and Kathie Lee for a few moments as part of their year-end special and as most of their interviews of late tend to do the conversation turned to their involvement with the Royal Foundation and their most successful fundraiser to date. They showed a montage of the event and Ryan was instantly transported by the memories made in those two weeks.

It started with Ryan watching Shannon walk down the hallway of Heathrow Airport on the arm of the Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry carrying Ryan’s bag behind them. Ryan wanted someone to stop and take his picture, where the hell are the paparazzi when you need them he thought. The Prince of England is carrying my bag for goodness sakes someone take our picture!!!!

“Man you guys sure know how to pack light.” Harry said as he walked behind Kate and Shannon.

“Shannon’s bags are somewhere between here and the States. The airline is looking for them, those are mine.” Ryan informed him as he carried his other bag filled with his clothes. 

“Man, two weeks in a single pair of jeans is not going to be fun! However, Kate loves a good reason to shop we might end up with an afternoon just the boys. Actually, that sounds fun!” As they walked out the door of the airport and up to the car.

Harry handed over Ryan’s bag to be placed in the trunk then climbed into the car behind everyone else. Once again Ryan looked around and no paps in sight. Part of him was bummed yet he was also oddly impressed they just walked out of a busy airport unnoticed with two of the most recognizable royals.

“Did Shannon tell you they lost her luggage?” Harry reported as he settled into his seat.

“We were talking about it on the way to the car, I can find her something in my closet for lunch and then we’ll find something for tomorrow night.”

Shannon didn’t want to bother them with this, “It’s ok guys, I’ve got a jacket in Ryan’s bag and can manage I’m sure they will find it soon!” She was slightly freaked out about wearing the Duchess clothes which were always so beautiful.

“We don’t have time to do a shopping run today, but we’ll make time tomorrow if the bag hasn’t turned up yet. We can’t have you meeting the Queen in jeans and a T-shirt now can we?”

Ryan noticing that the idea of meeting the Queen was freaking Shannon out decided to change the subject, “So when do we get to meet these amazing kids we have heard so much about?” he asked glancing over at Harry.

Harry looked a little startled, “A select group will be at the lunch today and others will be at dinner tomorrow night. This weekend we’ll have a less formal “meet and greet” where you’ll really have an opportunity to connect with them.”

Sitting on one side of the car while Kate and Shannon were on the other side Harry started to relax some into the seat. “This event has been exhausting. Don’t get me wrong I’m excited about it, but every time we turn around there’s someone trying to turn it into something that it’s not; from artist, to the kids, and even some of the sponsors, and don’t get me started on the parents. You guys are the first group picked up that hasn’t demanded something, a better hotel, a better timeslot, first pick of the kids they want to work with, some have even asked to get out of working with the kids. Everyone is acting like this is their own personal concert, even the local groups. Frankly it’s starting to get on my last nerve.”

Shannon looked over, “That’s awful, I can’t even put into words what this event means to us, not only cause it allowed us to get to know you guys, but it’s giving us the trip of a lifetime and an opportunity to share our music with a new group of people. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, we’ll be there.”

Harry smiled at her, “We might just take you up on that, I have to warn you a few are already big fans.” Kate grinned, “Harry won’t stop playing the EP at every single event and meeting we’ve had with the kids and volunteers.” Ryan looked at Shannon, this was indeed a fairy tale that he hoped never ended. 

The next day Ryan was standing in the siting room at Buckingham Palace waiting for Shannon to come back downstairs and wishing it would be sooner than later. They were the first to arrive for tonight’s dinner so that Shannon could borrow an outfit from Kate and Ryan felt uncomfortable about being in the room alone almost like he snuck in there. Something about the room and the quiet made him think he’d get in trouble any second and sent back to the car. He stood to walk around the room just to have something to do and was admiring a painting of a beautiful garden when a voice behind him started him.

“It’s even more lovely in person.”

Ryan turned around to see the Duke of Cambridge standing there in a suit that had a little stain on the shoulder. “I bet it is. This painting is amazing too tho.” He reached out his hand, “By the way I’m Ryan, um… Mr. Duke sir”

The Duke laughed “Call me Will everyone else does. My brother and Kate have been so excited for you guys to get here they have talked of little else for over two weeks.”

“We can hardly believe that we are here, Shannon keeps asking me to pinch her! I can’t believe that she’s upstairs borrowing some of Kate’s clothes, thanks for letting her do that. She said she’s really going to feel like a Princess tonight.” 

“HA! Don’t mention it, Kate was especially excited to play stylist for the evening. It’s not often she gets to dictate what someone else is going to wear, well other than me that is. She says picking out a suit gets boring cause the only thing that changes is the tie!”

“Speaking of your suit did you know you have something on the shoulder.”

Moving to a nearby mirror to examine his jacket, he starts rubbing it with a piece of ice from a glass handed to him, “The kids were going to be in bed when we finished tonight so I popped in to say goodnight before I came down.” After fussing with it for a few minutes, “How’s that?”

“Much better. Besides isn’t that basically a dad badge?” William laughed and nodded. Ryan couldn’t believe he was having a normal conversation with the future King of England like they had known each other for years, he decided to take advantage of this moment. “I have to ask you this cause if I don’t I’ll regret it….. Are Harry and Kate really fans or I mean I don’t mean to be crass but I just can’t help waiting on someone to walk up and say the jokes over get out and that would kill Shannon!”

William laughed, “Ever since Kate heard your music she’s been singing it, when she’s cooking, when she’s rocking the kids to sleep, when she’s working out, she has played that EP so many times if it were a record it would be ruined. I have never seen my brother nervous to contact someone and his biggest fear is you guys would turn him down. He’s not used to hearing the word no. Did you know that he and Kate sang We’ll Always Have Mexico to my Grandmother and she is the one that decided you and Shannon needed to sing it not Harry and Kate? They worked on that song for several weeks and she loved it but not coming from them. If you all left now I think they would both go with you!” he said with a smile.

Ryan didn’t know what to say and didn’t have an opportunity to speak as William pointed behind him causing him to turn towards the door. The most beautiful thing he had seen since their wedding day was walking through the door. He didn’t even excuse himself just walked towards Shannon unable to focus on anything or anyone else in the room. “You look amazing!”

“I’m scared to death I’m going to ruin this dress” Shannon said unable to hide the smile on her face. In this dress, she was radiant.

“Honey it’s not the dress, I’ve seen dresses, this dress is garbage without you in it!” Shannon playfully hit him in the arm “Don’t you dare let Kate hear you say that!”

Harry walked up behind Shannon, “He’s not wrong!” winked and walked off.

The rest of the night was a blur of activity and both Ryan and Shannon were surprised that once the evening began and they both relaxed they realized this was exactly where they needed to be. After an amazing dinner there was a small get together that included music and dancing. They met a 12-year-old who had been writing songs since she was 8 and had recently recorded one in a real studio thanks to Prince Harry. She was excited about this opportunity as she wanted to learn how someone got involved in the music industry. Ryan told her it was all luck and hard work but mostly luck. They made plans to get together soon to talk more about the industry. They met another artist from Paris who was looking to move to the states to be the next “Lady Gaga” and hoped to use this event as a platform to do that. It was a 16-year-old however that stole Shannon’s heart.

The young man was standing to the side of the room alone and so Shannon walked over to say hi. The young man told her that his name was Josh and he played guitar. Shannon said she and her husband played as well and started talking to him about some songs they both knew. The boy confessed to Shannon that he felt like he was an imposter and didn’t belong there. Shannon told him she was sure that wasn’t true and that she looked forward to hearing him play. He perked up after that and she sat with him for a long time just watching the room. At one point, she even asked Josh to dance with him. She didn’t realize that Kate was watching from the other side of the room with a huge smile on her face. She didn’t notice that Harry too had noticed what she was doing. None of that mattered to her. She wanted to make this young man comfortable so he could enjoy this evening like everyone else.

On their first totally free day of this trip, Ryan and Shannon arrived at Kensington Palace early that morning the girls were going to go shopping, since Shannon’s bags still hadn’t arrive and the boys were going to do what boys do. Kate was waiting when they walked in and she immediately grabbed Shannon’s arm and headed right back out the door. William was standing in the hallway and yelled towards the door as it closed, “Ok have fun bye!” then he turned to Ryan, “Guess they are in a hurry. Have you eaten breakfast yet?!” They started to turn towards the kitchen when the door flew back open, and Kate rushed up to William gave him a hug and a kiss said bye and left again. Ryan laughed, “guess she forgot something!”

Ryan followed a now blushing William into the kitchen which was filled with activity as the kids were sitting at the table eating breakfast with Ryan guessed the nanny fussing over the baby.

William turned back to Ryan as he took a napkin to clean George’s hands, ”Harry will be here shortly, we figured while the girls were running around we’d do the same.  I thought we could start with a ride around the grounds, show you that garden we talked about last night. It’s not hunting season so no hunting but we’ll still find something to do.”

That afternoon Ryan, Harry and William returned to the Palace exhausted, cold, tired, and hungry. They must have ridden every inch of the estate. Ryan was glad the rest of the day was free as he needed a few minutes to recharge. He didn’t think he’d ever get the picture of ridding across a pasture with William, Harry and George (in Harrys Lap) watching the beautiful scenery around him. They hadn’t planned to take George but once he heard horses were involved there was no way he was going to be left behind. Hearing George laughing from Harry’s horse made bringing him completely worth it.

A little while later Ryan was sitting in the living room of Kensington Palace alone. William had taken George upstairs to get him down for a nap, Harry had run off to make a phone call, and the girls were still shopping. He was almost asleep after the days actives when Harry walked in and sat down in a nearby chair.

“Sorry we left you alone down here”

“No problem, please don’t feel you have to entertain me, if you have something else you need to be doing. I know this is a hectic time for you.”

“yeah that’s why I’m enjoying the excuse to just …. Sit.”  He leans back in the chair stretching out and Ryan realized how tall the young man was as well as how tired he looked.

A few days later it was finally time for Haley and Michaels to take the stage. Shannon and Kate had a surprise for Harry that Shannon had told Ryan about that morning.

As the notes for We’ll Always Have Mexico started to play Ryan faked getting choked up. Kate shoved Harry out onto the stage, and Ryan ran off to look for water as Shannon shoved a microphone in Harry’s hand. She nudged him and he started to sing. Kate and Ryan were off on the edge of the stage laughing and clapping as Harry looked up towards the Queen, Phillip, Charles and William who were all laughing obviously in on the surprise. Harry fell into the song and he and Shannon nailed it as Ryan walked out with a closed bottle of water thanking the Prince for helping him out.

Shannon asked William and Kate to join them on stage, he had come down to close out the festival. Their new friend Josh walked out from the other side of the stage and said “At the afternoon meet and greet you guys held prior to this event Shannon, Ryan and I wrote this song as a thank you to the Royal Foundation for all that they do.” Ryan walked up to the third microphone and said, “We’d like to play it for you now if that’s ok.” Kate had tears in her eyes and mouthed thank you to Shannon who was putting her guitar away so that Ryan and Josh would play while she sang. Harry was also blown away by this gesture and he has never seen Josh so outspoken and excited on a stage. He usually hung back and avoided any part of the spotlight. It was truly a perfect ending to a very successful event. This was exactly what Harry had wished for when he and Kate first had the idea for a benefit like this. 

Ryan was snapped back to the conversation before him when Hoda asked about the most exciting part of the trip, Shannon said meeting the Royal family, Ryan said, getting to know the kids the foundation helps daily and seeing Shannon in one of Kate’s dresses. Shannon’s bags showed up the day after her big shopping spree with Kate but said there was no way she was returning anything they bought even if it meant she’d never be able to buy clothes again to make up for it. It was truly a trip of a lifetime and Ryan couldn’t wait until next year’s benefit and hoped they’d be invited back if for no other reason that to see how Josh was doing and to try and talk him into playing on their next record.


Well there you go…besides one of my 2017 goals is to write more and they say whatever you do on New Year’s Day is what you’ll do all year so here’s hoping that’s true.

I’m pretty sure this story is done as I’m not sure where to take it from here so now it’s time to find a new muse. I hope you all enjoyed it, I hope Haley and Michael’s isn’t calling a lawyer for a restraining order for me, cause I really do love their music and I really hope this is going to be their year. I can’t wait to hear more from them, if you haven’t already check out their website below:


Have a great 2017 everyone! I can check one thing off my New Year's Resolution post ! :D