AITAH

I don't know if it's because of the clear blue sky, the bright sunshine, the smell of spring arriving or if it's that the morning birds singing outside my window are Disney animated. Regardless the reason, there's something to this whole waking up and not having to 'worry/dread having to go to work' thing.

I make jokes because it is how I cope. Humor is the program I use to defrag my personal system. A way to try and help bring myself clarity, understanding and acceptance.

What we, as humanity, are going through is scarily apocalyptic. It is the subject of novels, movies and the stuff of nightmares. It is a "global pandemic" attacking anyone. It's spreading faster than mankind can combat. For those that don't get sick, depression, anxiety, self isolation, paranoia and fear are waiting to make patients of those people that the virus hasn't already. 

Being aware and informed is important to survival, however when information is obtained from an untrustworthy source or when information is used poorly, it can become a dangerous weapon. A weapon that anyone, when spreading this type of info, has the potential to wield.

It's hard to trust the information we are being fed 24 hours a day, through tv, internet and social media. Everyone has something to say, and since I'm writing this, i guess I am no different. I can watch a 'trusted local news' source and hear their information. Only to find out, it is a partial telling when i later read a release from the CDC. Only to then see a press conference by a "national leader" downplay said report. Then get on Twitter and see people from the world over asking for thoughts and prayers for loved ones passed. While on Facebook everybody's racist cousin says this is all a conspiracy stemming from the Democrats, all the grandmothers are using this as proof that you have NOT been going to church like you should be and you were raised better than this, and everyone's fun auntie/uncle is now only posting quarantine selfies and directions on how to make fashionable facemasks & tin foil hat combo sets emerged in healing crystal energy and smoked in sage.

By the time you stop to breathe (hopefully self isolated air) the cycle starts all over again!

It's hard to find a balance anymore. A healthy balance between being informed with accurate up to date news and not be overwhelmed or panicked by every posting or unreliable update. A balance between isolating to stop the spread of the disease and not separating yourself from the collective, which can lead to or exacerbate depression and anxiety, loneliness and fear. A balance of protecting ourselves but still doing what we can to help others. A balance of being concerned for humanity's wellbeing but not loosing yourself in the process.

I am currently on Dr mandated medical quarantine and so other than my trusty sidekick and partner in crime, Mighty, electronics are my companions and my connection to the outside world. Yet i can't bathe in the news as some can. It is an anxiety trigger and has the potential to cause me to have panic attacks. So I'm doing what I can to make my daily routine a happy one.

I've decided to do a house purge. I'm gathering up all the clothes and shoes that I never wear, all the items that I no longer need/use and get them prepped and boxed. So that when this is over, i can donate to those who can really use it.

I have a curb side personal library box that has been sitting on my dining room table for far too long, waiting to be painted and installed next to my mailbox. This is my 2nd one to do, i set my 1st one up at the mental health facility where i work. I should have done this one already but i just completely flaked.

This is not my Little Library but it's similar if I were to you know paint it Pink 

And although it probably seems like the lamest goal, to me it is extremely important...self care. Up until the time I was put on quarantine, i felt like I was losing myself to the stress of overworking and losing myself to the fear of 'a lack of money' and 'letting others down.' This fear is/was so strong it had just about swallowed me whole. So I want to use my time to get back to me being me, and making myself happy, healthy and strong. 

Although with me making that decision comes guilt. We are in a global crisis. People all over are getting sick and dying, but here i am trying to be grateful for this time we have, like it's some kind of vacation. I'm here trying to make myself happy, to make myself laugh. 

So...

Am I The Asshole Here?

Yeah. Probably. But nothing is permanent and although knowing at some point we all must return to the Source doesn't make losing someone any easier, it does help me remember that while we are here, life is to be experienced. And i want a happy experience, not just for me but for all. 

So be healthy.
Be safe.
Be informed.
Wash your hands, your face and your ass (which pandemic aside, this should go without saying)
But also remember...
To be happy
To be love and loved
And to be you.

-Golden (@theonlygolden)

Big Rona

So …. It’s crazy to me that my last post some 20  f’ing days ago was concerned about what I was or was not giving up for Lent. Like that was a major thing, something to stress about. Who knew that less than a month later Lent would be the least of my worries. Today marks a week since I left my house, other than to go to my back porch to retrieve frozen mystery meat for supper. My super awesome boss didn’t want to go into the office and wasn’t going to ask us to do something he wasn’t also willing to do. Turns out his wife found out that one of her coworkers is showing symptoms and his son has a classmate also showing symptoms. Our city just got the test in the last few days so who knows what they have. Could be the Flu…could be Big Rona (as Golden calls it) but either way why risk it? 

I’ve been fortunate enough to work from home for the last week and we are planning to work from home next week. some of my friends have not been so lucky. They are out there fighting the good fight and I have had other friends be released from their positions. It's a stupid crazy time for everyone.  

Whether you are reading this on mandated lockdowns, in self quarantine, Self-isolation, or just practicing social distancing you are doing your part to slow this damn thing down and I thank you. Now understand I don’t want the “virus” as everyone is starting to call it (tho its nickname changes on the daily … Coronavirus, COVID-19, whatever the president decides to call it in todays daily rant/press conference).  I’m not so concerned about getting it myself, I think I’m healthy enough to fight it off. It is my mom and dad I worry about.

Mom just got to the point where she was leaving the house again on her own, and Dad … well he’s just crazy and is even crazier when he’s normal sick let alone whatever this thing manifest itself to be. The truth is it could be devastating for them, more so than for me … then again if they are devastated then so am I. People don’t seem to understand that by being out and about you are simply taking a risk that you or I can’t afford for them to take. We are in my opinion about 2 weeks from being Italy. To having a country wide mandated, stay the fuck at home order issued. 


It’s funny how so many people are continuing to make light of this. Granted I was one of those people early on as I watched other County’s dealing with it. The longer this has gone the faster it spread the less funny it became. However some still seem to not get it. My particular town recently got the "tests" so I'm assuming our cases will start to go up. For now everyone around me feels like as long as that number remains low the threat is not a problem for us. Let me repeat we JUST GOT THE TEST. The threat is there we just don't know about it yet. 

They say stay at home everyone rushes to Walmart, or for some reason the big box stores (Costco, Sams etc.). A guy near my town had it and the hospital sent him home to recover and HE STOPED BY THE GROCERY ON THE WAY HOME! Like what?! The number of people who say “it’s just like the flu calm down!” I’ve had the flu it wasn’t fun. I’d imagine this one isn’t either and oh by the way with the Flu there's medicine I can take to make it better, not so much with Rona. The number of people getting online to say “I had it and it wasn’t that bad” should also be punched in the face. It affects everyone differently. It’s causing massive panic attacks daily don’t tell people how to feel about it. I know you think you are helping but you are just making it harder for that one that gets it cause now people think it’s not so bad that person should just get over it.

The one thing about this that I’ve loved watching is that we appear to be coming together as a Country. We appear to be finally using social media to spread good not just evil. We are reaching out to neighbors when before we’d have driven right past if they were laying on the grass in their front yards. There are people offering to get groceries for those too scared to go out, there's companies telling people that kids eat free at restaurants (ok part of that is getting people to come in the door but still), tech companies making it easier for kids to do school from home, health care workers being at the front of this and putting them selves as risk every day but especially in times like this, the people in Italy singing to one another from their various balcony's, churches being forced to share their messages online meaning more might hear what they have to say or better yet people might listen to sermons that they would never hear before. All of it adds up to the fact that even in the stupidest of times we can be good to one another. There is good out there and it's getting increasingly hard to find but if you look for it … if you really look for it, it makes the rest easier. Mr. Rogers was right. Look for the helpers, look for those who have the good sense to listen and take care of themselves and others. 

Now don’t get me wrong there are those, like my partner in crime Golden who can’t stay home. She works at a place that if she doesn’t go to work a domino effect happens … 1. She could lose her insurance. 2 Her residents who depend on her could have major problems. 3. The loss of her insurance would mean she couldn’t get her medication. 4. Golden is a sick puppy and needs that medication cause someone has to take care of Mighty. 5. Mighty might eat Golden's face after a while. Ok that last one likely won't happen but I wanted to round out my list. It is kind of humerous that a quarantine life is like built for Golden. She lives for days where she can create a nest on her couch, watch TV, play games, eat munchies, and watch movies. It’s what she has been training for but she can’t participate. That’s like the worst joke in the world.  

However if everyone else could just chill and relax then Golden being out in the world with no immune system wouldn’t be so scary.

One day this will pass, we'll all laugh and joke about it and move on to the next big thing, and one day we will look back and all of it will be analyzed and discussed. This is a great time to see that we are a Country that can come together for the greater good, even if it's only for a short time.

So be good to one another, reach out to one another, and for the love of Golden stay the fuck at home!

Marcy 

Lent: Control

 

So as I said the other day I have decided not to give anything up for Lent. I’m adding things to my life instead of giving things up. Like I’ve worked out for 7 days straight, I’m also focusing on actually sleeping instead of just being in a bed in a dark room for 8 hours. Lastly, I’m going to write and actually mail letters. 

I wrote my first one today. It’s to an ex coworker who is having a birthday next week. It just made sense to start with her. It’s crazy to me that I’m “pen pals” with her (usually via e-mail) cause I didn’t LOVE the time we spent together when we worked together. She was very much one of those if she liked you she would bend over backwards for you but if she didn’t like you she either half assed it or just kind of blew it off. I wasn’t a fan of that. Granted there are people that I like working with more than others but at the end of the day my job is to help all not just the select few I enjoy. Plus without the asshats the ones I like I might not like as much. However this "friendship" also also kind of makes sense too. 

No matter the week we had, no matter the words bantered about … if it was a rough week or a long week or even just a good week if she came up to me on a Friday and said wanna go get a drink after work I was always in. She lived alone at home just her and her pups, and her family was in another state so those “drinks” after work were likely a way for her to minimize being at home alone but they meant more than that to me. It meant she saw me as someone she wanted to invest in, someone she wanted to spend time with and get to know better, someone that she saw had value. I’ll never forget that. That’s not to say we always saw eye to eye on everything but we could separate that work drama from real life living and I miss that. The boss that followed was like night and day, but it led me to the one I have now and I’ll always love her for that – only that …that’s all I give her credit for. He’s spent many days trying to repair some of the walls she forced me to build.  

Today our preacher started her series on Lent that she’s calling “Giving it up” but she focusing less on things but on ideas such as Giving up Control, Superiority, Expectations that kind of thing. The idea is that it is foolish to think you have “control” in anything cause you don’t. God does. I get that idea and I get that thought process but if say …. A safe is falling from the sky and I’m under it …. Frankly it’s up to me to take control of my body and move it out of the way. This idea that a diety is going to “save” me from myself if I “let go” seems …. Well dangerous. I think it’s a lack of control that has caused the society that we have now. This idea that no matter what I do it will be ok in the end mentality that causes people to drive to fast, to text while driving, to walk into a random establishment with a gun in their hands. That’s not to say I haven’t done those things, well that last one I can honestly say I’ve never done that one, but the rest I’m guilty of. 

I’ve never been a fan of group projects ….. it’s not a control thing but more of a get the hell out of my way and I’ll get it done thing. I don’t trust the other person to do it the way I’d do it, or as well. Case in point ... the submittal I’m working on … a co-worker was going to do a segment of it. I was apprehensive about this but ok fine let her do that. She did them ……. They were all kinds of messed up. I reviewed them as she asked. Sent it back to her for review and so we have now spent far longer on a section that still isn’t finished that if I had been allowed to just do would be done by now. That's just not ok. I’m trying to be a team player but that’s just frustrating. Now next week I have to worry about that instead of it being done like the rest of the document. All cause I had to let go of control.

The point is Control isn’t a bad thing. Control keeps my shoulders in place instead of around my ears. It keeps my back relaxed instead of stiff as a board. It allows me the space to breathe. So my point with this is that Control isn’t the problem, it’s understanding that at the end of the day my choices make what kind of day I’m going to have or have had. I’ve always said you can’t praise God when things are going well and then blame the Devil when they aren’t. At the end of the day it’s all part of the plan, the path, your choices just CONTROL how hard or easy that path is. At least in my opinion.

Happy Sunday! 
Marcy