Golden takes one for the team...

I have no intentions of telling you my age, just know that I'm in the age group of “My Little Ponies”, “Rainbow Brite”, “Transformers”, and “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”. I’m one of those weirdo’s that has done very little to grow up and I try my hardest to live in a world of magic as often as possible. Dark confession time.....I am a fangirl. No, no, now hold on. I know that immediately you start imagining psycho hose beast tween girls, but that ain't me. I'm just extremely passionate about my particular brand of Geekery.

I am currently at odds with the demon known to mankind as Michael Bay AKA childhood ruiner. I had all intentions of purchasing a movie ticket to see any other movie and then sneaking in to see the new Ninja Turtles flick, also known as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or TMNT for lazy marketing people. But then my 9-year-old niece called and said that she wanted me to take her to see it. I, being a fucking all-star Auntie, said yes immediately. I do all I can to encourage awesomeness in my nieces so they don’t become those psycho hose beast tween girls that you thought of earlier.

Before I purchased our tickets I explained what my intentions were; that yes we were going to see TMNT but I didn't want my money to go to Michael Bay, so I was going to buy passes to a different movie worthy of my hard earned $20 (not including snacks and drinks). She seemed confused. She wanted to know why I didn't just buy for what we were watching. So I clarified, by telling her that it was an abomination unworthy of my hard earned money; a bastardization of all that was right and true with my childhood and I couldn’t fully support it. That it was created by a man so purely evil that his unending appetite could only be fed on the money and the tears of children that never grew up. She admitted that he did seem bad, but why did it mean that I had to lie and be a bad person too? (Fucking hell, she gets her moral compass from her parents). So I tried quiet unsuccessfully to explain the workings of the universe and that sometimes there are small necessary evils in order to overcome the greater evils in this world. She wasn't budging and we were missing the trailers. So, I bought the fucking tickets.

For it to be opening weekend there were only us and 4 other small groups in the theater (faith in humanity restored somewhat by this). I was thankful for this because the 9-year-old and I talked through most of it. Since the nerd force runs deep between us, she noticed most of the problems without any help from me, cue Proud all-star auntie moment here. She rightfully asked why if Megan fox was too good to have orange hair couldn't she at least do it red…. why their faces looked like overgrown Shrek frogs…. why shredder was a robotic samurai that looked like her dads hedge clippers…. and why was their back story all wrong? All I could do was explain about the ancient evil Michael Bay. (I think she is starting to get it.) NOTICE A NINE YEAR OLD GIRL knew all this but a grown ass man Michael Bay couldn’t be bothered.

Taken from TMNT Twitter Acct to prove a point

I didn't like how it really downplayed Splinters history by ripping away his past and making him a rat that learned to read a random ninjutsu book in the sewer, as rats do, and gave April O'Neil the position of savior. Shredder was just a complete hot mess; his costume is all over the place, and he spends the majority of the movie by refusing to speak any English until he puts on his Edward Scissorhands outfit then randomly speaks nothing else. Not to mention it's very distracting that they use the same sound effects for Shredder as they do for the Transformers.

Of course Michelangelo got the most laughs. But at one point he farted and even the 9-year-old looked at me and said "Well that was extremely unnecessary." And I agree. She also made the valid point that it didn't make sense to have them fighting in so much snow. Being reptiles, they would be sluggish and wouldn't do good in such cold temperatures, that it wasn't realistic (Because 6-feet tall mutated turtles that fight crime with sweet Ninja moves is.)

I guess to sum up, it was a typical Michael Bay production filled with cheap jokes, cheesy heroic lines, and over the top explosions. If you have no prior knowledge of the many incarnations of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles you will be fine. Admittedly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it still wasn't as good as my heart had hoped it would be. Plus they didn't even try to slip in a Vanilla Ice cameo. So shameful.